|Current mood:|| depressed|
Life in Session
My desire to use and drink is still there, and I don't think it will ever go away. I'm depressed, and I don't want to live anymore. Ever since Mom died, there hasn't been much to live for except drink and get loaded. I don't understand the pink cloud that people in early recovery have because everytime I was in early recovery, it was always hard for me. I just want to make it though the day without drinking or getting high. I have a lot to lose this time if I relapse. Tonight i'm going to a meeting with my sponsor, and usually at the end of the day I am okay. It's just the morning and afternoon I struggle with.
I miss Victor and I resent him because he gets to drink and get high. I think he told me he got high the other day on purpose, and that wasn't very nice. I just feel like going out and screwing up. But I really can't because i'll either test dirty or smell like booze and i'll be out on the street again. I wish this feeling would go away.