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Well-there's good news and bad news that have occured in the past 4-5 years since I last even been on blurty and blogged. I've been recovering from my eating disoders, but still struggled with addiction with drugs and alcohol. I'm finally back into recovery, and I am really hating it. I am feeling all these feelings that I haven't really wanted to deal with for a really long time. In July 2005 I went into recovery attempting to overcome anorexia and meth addiction, and eventually the pain was too great that I eventually relapsed. In June 2006 I went into treatment again; this time for alcohol. Now I am going waaaay back, but Dec 19, 2004 my Mom passed away from a motorcycle accident. A thought occured to me just as I was typing this but, when I was first going to college when I was in high school, a guy read my palm and just asked me, "Are you okay?!" I didn't know what he meant, and he didn't volunteer info. I think now over the past 5 years, I think I know what that is now. I thank him (whereever he may be) for not telling me and letting me expierence it for myself without knowing what will happen. I don't think I would of gained as much wisdom that I have gained over these few years that just slipped though my fingers like sand particials at the beach. In Sept 2007 I moved into a place that was affordable, and the day I moved in, I relapsed and drank after 2 weeks of sobriety. From then on I was on to a 1/5th of vodka + a day. I just moved 4 days from this journal entry date, and I stayed in that hell hole for 7 months. Using and drinking was accepted there. I finally made the decision to get clean again and I am going though a lot of pain right now. I'm happy with my new living arrangement, but it's not the same without Victor. He was a man that resided with me in this other place, and we have quite an age gap. I was 22 (i'll be 23 on the 10th), and he just turned 49 3 months back. We had a relationship for 2 weeks, but for most of the time we were "booty calls". We decided that we can't be romantic and I have accepted that part months ago. For some reason I felt a bond with him because he listened to me, and he understood. He told me about a cross road he encountered, and how he was on a spiritual journey and had to improve his relationship with his higher power, and "cleanse" himself. He found out 8 years ago he contracted Hep C from slamming dope (his sister said it was from hookers), but I really don't care how he got it. He took interferon and now after 7 months his blood work is showing "undetectable". That's a miracle. He moved out a month before I did and I felt abandoned. He explained to me it was the stress of the house, and he was tired of dealing with my rages when I would get drunk. He claimed he had a "crash-course" in alcoholism because I was the first "real" alcoholic he's encountered. Most of his family are addicts, and his dad is a closet drinker. I haven't seen him in a month, and the last time I ever saw him was in our driveway when he loaded his stuff into the car from the garage and he gave me a brief kiss. I haven't seen him since. I miss him and he doesn't really even call me anymore. I am hurt, depressed, and feel abandoned and I feel like I can't get close to anyone anymore because they will leave me. My father left me, my mother died on me, and now Victor split. I am glad he's happier, and I did put him though hell and he hung in there because he saw my potential and he did the best he could to give me advice. I still remember some of the things he told me, and I feel remorse for some of the things I said when drinking, the abuse I put him though (even though he was abusive and controling as hell himself), and I just hope I can make it up to him one day. It's hard to even want to stay sober with all that guilt and shame, and just him being gone. I feel empty because he was the only one in that hellhole that made me feel like I was okay, and gave me some one to talk to that UNDERSTOOD. Also, it's not good on the other hand that I communicate with him because he is using, and it's even against the rules of my home to be associating with him. I just miss him, and I am praying for him to at least just call and tell me that he's okay. But life's in session, and I have to move on with my life and recovery and not use. Post a comment in response: |
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