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Allie (fakesmiles77) wrote,
@ 2003-12-02 19:26:00
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    erik.and.i
    Bleh, today was ok...i guess...i havent wrote in this thing forever...sorry to anyone who's life is boring enough to read this....but im not sorry for not filling you in, im sorry you have no life...wow..i wish i could really write what i thinks going on in my life and not get looked at like im a complete idiot for it...but that'll never happen b/c im to scared to do it.

    erik and i are together...but hes leaving for college next year, i know thats really far away and i shouldnt be thinking about it now, but actually i should be thinking about it now...because if we dont act like nothings going to change when he leaves we are fooling ourselves...everything will change..absolutly everything...erik will find someone else and i will be left for everyone to laugh at...I'm afraid i wont see him, i wont talk to him, he'll find someone else that makes him 'whole'...he'll feed her the same lines he fed me...and it will just all be over with...i wonder if im wasting my time...or if something really is there...im already attached to him...hes different from other guys i guess..i knw thats a very cliche line but its also very true...so when he leaves..all i can do is watch him go...and hope that he thinks im just as wonderful as I think he is...but i also know this isnt true...theres no way..i dont think the same feelings are there...see he wanted to be with Kristi..unfortunately that got ripped away from him and I came along...i think he just found out i liked him or thought something of him and took the chance...erik's very sheltered and i adore him for that but i dont want someone that just likes me because i liked them....so now im scared...why him? ya know? why erik of all people to hook onto...why? i wonder if i deserve this...like payback for all the stuff ive done wrong...the payback part would be erik being ripped away from me and having to look myself int he mirror every day and put on my happy face knowing that ive done this...that ive completely screwed myself and he'll never come back for me...that maybe i just want something to be there so badly and he doesnt...i guess it would be nice if i could tell erik all this but he already thinks i cry constintly (sp?) and if i told him i would start to cry so i cant....maybe I should let him go now...so its not so hard towards the end...when he leaves...WHEN.ALL.THE.SENIORS.LEAVE. wow i wont be able to handle that either...heath and i talked about that.....wow whata mess...its going to be horrible...heaths really cool....realized that other night..which is just one more person im going to have to say bye to..and not get to see...
    Bleh...Im done...I'm going to go write some, prolly cry a little bit, and then go to sleep..g'night everyone......someone help with my situation please....if you have any advice...thanks..


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