| Current mood: |  accomplished |
The last few weeks have been an incredible coming together of pieces in my psyche that continues. Some of the pieces . . . . .
I was so afraid of my mother's dysfunction that I tried to reject everything about her. At the same time, I tried to be like my father, even in ways that just aren't me. Like my mother, I am an incredibly creative person. I am finally starting to own that and let it express itself not just in my music or in faerie's but in the details of my life.
Like my father, I am very grounded by my faith and convictions. What I didn't see was my father's boundaries. Growing up I didn't understand his boundaries. Sometimes, I understood them but didn't agree with them. I understand better now how he could accept people without trying to make them conform to his standards for himself. At some point, no matter how much you love someone, you have to let go and let them sink or swim. Yes, I got that. . . . what I didn't get was how soon to let go. I've tended to hold on to the point of personal detriment. I'm slowly and surely learning to let go sooner.
I've spent most of my life afraid to be me. Much of that time has been in ignorance of who I really am. Of course it is scarey to be what you totally don't understand or see. Now I'm seeing myself more accurately and yes, it is scarey. Except that I really have a lot to be confident about now . . . . it isn't that I've got everything worked out and fixed. There are still unopened bags on my great big luggage cart that have to be unlocked and sorted through. But the grounding is there and it is solid and can be relied on.
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