| Current mood: |  aggravated |
| Current music: | evanescnece |
depression sets in
well seasonal depression seems to have once againstruck....
although if I remember correctly it used to be the springish that got me depressed... or maybe that was allergies... I know that my death freakouts started the night after I saw the divinci code...which was it's opening night in houlton but that doesn't mean that I know when precisely... there used to be one thing that would always slap me out of the death freak out and that was thinking about gwyd and I getting married and being rich and having children Lagraetheal and Mortikai. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant and it was the weirdest thing ever... For the longest time I thought that it was real... there were certain things that clued me into the fact that it wasn't but at the time it seemed like it was...
I aparently got pregnant in January and It was in my ninth month and I was up at the hospital and my entire family was up there with me and this wacky doctor came in and hadfist fulls of needles and was like, "we're going to make sure you're okay!" and I ran out of the hospital and I was all like fuck you!!! and so I was sitting around and I pick up the phone and I call the doctor nd I was like "at what point in your pregnancy is it too late to have an abortion?" and they were like well how far along are you? and I was like, I'm due next week and the guy was all like, um, no way. It was stupid because all I was doing was sitting around waiting for this leech to pop out of my body and everytime I thought I vfelt a cramp or a twitch or anything I was like YAY and then it was a false alarm and then there was no way to escape it.... it's like being on a train headed for a brick wall,you know it's coming but there's no way to stop it.... I mean at that point it's too late to decide that you don't want it to exsist and even though you might not want it you don't want to have to risk your life giving a piece of your soul to something only to have it snatched away from you, but yet there's always the possibility of you keeping it and not being ready and then you have ruined not only your life and it's life but everyone who looked up to you's life and your lovers life.... it just over complicates things...
long story short now there'snothing for me to think of to perk me up out of my death freak outs..... it still makes me happy, but not that I would have to give birth.... maybe I could get a clone like on the island and have her have a baby and then we coujld keep her and the baby!!!! or set her free and keep the baby.... but it wouldn't really be the same would it? seeguys have it easy.... all they have to do is have an orgasm into a cup and there's their contribution but to get a fcuking egg out of me there's needles involved and unpleasent tools in sensitive areas...
I love gwyd and all I want to do is to make him happy, but I don't think I'll ever be ready for children even though I may say that I am someday.... I think I'll always see it as a leech and then at some point I'll be sick of having it leeching from me and I'll try to cut it out...
speaking of cutting I have been getting into leigh's razor collection in a very unhealthy mannor lately (last night). I made a series of slices on my wrists and then I was a stupid and soaked in a back and then they brusied and shit... I don't think that gwyd has noticed them yet...
on other subjects I think I've got my first infection in the longest time.... my second piercing on the ear I was gauging has been reallywarm and itchy lately... which is weird because I keep it really clean and I keep the anniversary earing that I have left in it all of the time (which is like 5 or 10 karat gold). I usually only have that problem with cheap metal but it have never gotten swollen and bled before.... and it is now...
I think that gwyd has fallen asleep.... that's unfortunate because I seem to be having quite the bout of depression right now... I want to cut so bad.... it still seems like on the razor will listen still, only the razor is always there for me. My mom says that she's always there for me and so do most of my friends but I hate waking them up in the middle of the night just to comfort me for a few minutes becuase I know mom will want to see me and then won't go back to sleep and aimee has the whole adam thing and beth has the whole ashley thing and ryan has the whole bob thing and that just leaves gwyd who I believe is starting to get really sick of all of my psycho shit because he seems to be drifting away lately.
it seems like we fight a lot over shit that isn't important (althought I think that must have something to do with the fact that I'm on my period and lacking benedryl). Actually I bet all of this willseem better when I'm off myperiod but right now I just need to vent.
I also think that gwyd has been masturbating behind my back... it seems like he's never horny anymore and even though I know I'm a lot of woman, he can't seem to keep me satisfied... in the past 24 hours we've only had sex like 3 or 4 times.... I am so fucking horny and all he wants to do is watch movies or fuck around on a game or do something that ISN"T FUCKING ME
...
I am all in all horny lonely depressed and unsatisfied, I've never been so unhappy before in my life
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