| Current mood: |  crushed |
| Current music: | Glycerine by Bush |
The Truth
Here we go.
I love my best friend. I don't really think of him in a sexual way, but I love him. I want to be with him, I want to be his girl, I want to be able to say I love him without needing an excuse, I want to be able to snuggle up next to him when we watch movies together, I want to be able to take away his sadness and make him happy on a higher level than the way I do now. I want to be more than the best friend. I am told that he already views me on a much higher plane than best friend, but it's not good enough. I Want to be his.
I'm sure you think I'm just bitching and whining. Want some background info? Z and I have been best friends for 5 years now. It's not an amazingly long time, but it's longer and much stronger than you'd expect. We started being close best friends when he became obsessed with K, my cousin. He thought he was in love, he loves everything about her, but he freaked her out. He and I started talking. Turned out we were in the same English class together. I helped him out on work. We did tech work together, skipped classes to fix the lights, played in the booth, listened to music. Wrote notes back and forth in class, during class, passed them between classes. We both have letters and notes saved in binders from back in High School. He got panic attacks, didn't know what they were, didn't tell anyone. I helped him through them and figured it out. He got into fights with his step mother. I helped him out and talked him down from his fits of rage. We talked on the phone for hours at a time, playing the Questions game and getting to know one another. It was fun. We worked plays together. We went to movies. We would call more than twice a day. Give advice, be a shoulder to lean on. It worked so nicely.
Then we started sharing a locker. We had little lego men standing guard, and a sea monkey castle. It was fun. We'd leave each other little gifts in there. We did everything as before. Then we realized we were what the other was looking for in a relationship. We wanted the same thing. We had fun together. We tried dating. We had one date, we went to Italian Sensations, had Cheese steak subs, that was it. He was "scared", didn't want to break up something so great. It was annoying. It hurt. I don't know why he's such a pussy about how he really feels. I guess everyone is different.
Senior year. We grew apart a little. He hung with a different crowd. We still did tech together, still passed notes. Skipped classes. Went to movies sometimes. We went to Prom together. I wanted to go with him. His girlfriend wouldn't go to his prom. She didn't want to go with him and have to turn down W. Weber. Stupid if you ask me. So we went. It was nice going down there, we held hands in the limo. We danced to "Hero" by Enrique. He disappeared into the crowd and I was left to dance with friends. That was it. He didn't go to the after-prom party. He went home and left me with my friends, who all had dates. It hurt, being ditched.
Throughout those years we helped each other through our individual relationships. He dated a psycho, C. I dated a techie, J. He hated that I dated one of our buds, J. He hated J for dating me. He hated that I was going out with him, but I never understood why. Then he dated K and then he dated S for over a year. I dated D, who was an ass, and he was upset that I dated D. Then I dated B, and he got even more upset because for a while I really was happy. Then we broke up.
After HS. I went to college. He was upset that I went away but we talked all the time, saw him when I could, he came up and saw one of the shows. Then he joined the Marines. It was hard, but we kept in touch. He came home from bootcamp on my birthday. I was the first person he hung out with. He bought a cell phone so we talk all the time. He was having trouble with S. The long distance and their differences wasn't helpful. S was so young too. But anyway.....we're now both single. And I've always loved him. And I've always wanted to know if I'm as important to him as he is to me. He says I am, we have a "thing", which he later defined as a connection. But he changes the subject whenever we talk about it, and he always talks about other girls. He says that I'm "his girl" and I'm one of the most important people ot him...I just don't get it.
Will he ever take that next step!!?!???!!
No matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I always end up wishing it would be his arms I snuggle into. But I need to get this out of my mind!!!!!! I NEED TO! He's possessive and sweet and calls me his and calls me sweetie and gets upset if I date anyone else, but that's it!!!!!!! AND!!! Now he's coming up to visit me on the 9th. He's staying with me at College. where is he going to sleep? Will he flirt with my roomate? Will we be the way we always have or will things change at all? Probably not. Why get my hopes up? Then we're having a party on the 10th....he's bringing me home from college. Then he invited me to dinner with his family, whole family, grandparents included. His family loves me and both our families say that we're going to marry and already act like bf/gf. And he said he wants to visit me on the weekends since he'll be stationed in VA. Does this mean ANYTHING!?
K doesn't know if he's protective as in doesn't want to see me hurt or protective because he wants me for himself. she doesn't know if anything will ever change. Will it!? Untill I find out, it's gonna drive me nuts, because I LOVE him sooo much. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him..... (and he once said in a letter from bootcamp that I was the person he would want to spend the rest of his life with, if he had to hve one person - WTF?!?)
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Well reader, you were warned.
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