I had an epiphany on the train to work this morning.
As Bjork once said, "I'm not a fucking Buddhist..", however, I did come to the realization that I want to control everything and am a fountain of unfulfilled desires. That's not good, and in fact implies that I have to prove something, I have to attain something, I have to fight tooth and claw to garner whatever I feel I deserve on this planet before my short time is up.
Then I thought, Wait a second...... I'm already a part of the world, the universe, which is a smaller part of a perfect design. I have nothing to prove, and all the status, and the material wealth in the world, is forever a transient thing. Life is a transient thing. But if I'm more than just this body, this life, then why am I so frustrated, so bitter about not getting what I want? It's absurd really.
I think true happiness is just being a vessel for the world. Not apathetic but accepting that the world forever changes, and we are here to experience it, not reign it in and make it some personal ideal. I'd be a really cruel despot anyway, I accepted that a long time ago. But I'm cool with that.
In other news, we're in the middle of what appears to be a week long monsoon. I had umbrella rage earlier, and debating throwing my umbrella down on the sidewalk and stomping on it and yelling. Then I thought about how funny that would look to everyone else on the street, and I suddenly had a greater understanding of why people seemingly lose their shit in this city. Today is obviously a day of discovery.