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At night I went home to my apartment in Los Feliz. My rooms were lit all year with Christmas lights and hung with upside-down bunches of dried roses. I made myself a salad for dinner and drank mineral water with lime. Sometimes I thought of Thorn. He had written me a letter saying he had met someone. They were engaged. He hoped I was all right. I moved the plastic ring to a different finger but I didn't take it off. It was getting harder and hard to paint. I told myself I needed to be around people, move my body, something. I met Nina first. She taught aerobics classes at the gym and I used to stand next to her, looking at all those mysterious muscles, the arcs of her biceps, her ladderlike abdomen, tight rear end, strong, narrow quads, powerful calves. Everything tanned evenly. I wanted that perfection. Maybe, I thought, you can find it without starvation--with protein and sweat and pain becoming perfectly formed, taut body tissue. She flirted with everyone, going aroundWhile we did sit-ups asking, "You all right, hon?" in her pleasure-promising voice. One time she patted my bare stomach. "You eating, girl?" she asked. I felt as if she had said she loved me. And then one time we were alone in the Jacuzzi together. Soft bluish light and the sound of the jets and my body was pulsing in the water. She was brown, beaded with wet, shiny. My father did a series of paintings of my mother in water once. She looked like pearls. Nina asked me my name. She told me that I was doing really well, really committed. I felt light-headed from the steam and her eyes on me. "You inspire me," I said. "I'm glad. I hope I make you feel good," she said. "I just hope you're getting enough calories." I told her I was working on it. I had already gained some weihgt. I asked how she got her body that way. "My boyfriend helps. He's pretty tough on me. He says it's all a sacrifice. I mean anything really beautiful takes sacrifice. LA was a desert first and now look at it. And going into space. Mark says the Challenger crew were like a gift to knowledge, to understanding the universe. "But you look like you know something about sacrifice," she said. She tossed her dark hair and the ends, damp from the water, slapped against her dazzling shoulders as she rose from the steam... Post a comment in response: |
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