|Current music:||.hack//sign - Obsession|
What to believe..
I honestly don't know what to think, anymore.. what to believe.. about me. I don't know. .. I've thought about it a lot. Me. My.. heart? I'm still a bit confused, but I think, within me, I understand. At least, to a degree...
I love her.
At first, I wondered -- how could I? Now, I don't think I even have room to question it. Just accept. And then.. wonder, what to do? I want to tell her, but I'm also afraid to, for countless reasons. I don't want to destroy our friendship. I don't want to chase her away.. I don't want to scare her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't. And, I don't trust myself to be in a relationship.. If we were, what would I do? I don't deserve her.. no, not at all.. and if I then injured her, how could I even.. face my own reflection?
I'm afraid of rejection, too. Afraid I've been fooling myself.. false hope.
I want to tell her that I love her.. and that.. no. I can't even say that. Would I look like a stalker? A moron? .. And, how could I ever make her happy.. she's beautiful. She's smart. Funny. Amazing. What sort of a match would I be?
It's so.. strange. Oddish. I'm writing this, almost wishing she WOULD find it. Even though she won't. Because.. I'm such a coward. And it's tearing me apart.
Even if I told her, what would come of it..? Discomfort? Or.. losing.. her. She's so important to me. SO important. I couldn't deal with that.