|Current mood:|| restless|
|Current music:||"The Marshall Mathers LP" by Eminem|
Yes? No? Maybe? Answers Would Be The Shit.....
I'm several things at this moment in time.
A) smoking a cigarette.
B) withdrawling-I am trying to quit my DOC (drug of choice) cold turkey. I won't say what it is, but I've been indulging lately and put it this way...after only three days, I'm sitting here with sweaty palms and shaking hands.
C) happy as hell...spent the night with James last night.
D) utterly perplexed...is James with me, with Jamie, or just sort of sampling both like cheese samples at the deli?
James and I had a lot of fun last night. I won't give the gory details, as I've said before a woman should have her secrets. Kissing and telling is for dumb fucking MTV reality shows.
I will say we had his friends with us for a while, we all played poker in teams, his friend and his girl versus me and James, and James and I lost everything we put in, around $10. So I guess we suck at poker, but sucking at poker isn't going to haunt my dreams or anything.
James said a bunch of nice shit to me last night, kept asking if I wanted anything, if I was sure that I liked him or if I was just messing with him, if I was happy, etc. But apparently Jamie is still in the picture, she called his cell last night and then this morning. (He pressed IGNORE both times.) He was really quiet on the ride home this morning, maybe just tired, maybe regretting like a mo fo, I don't fucking know.
I asked him before he got out of the car, "So, are you just gonna forget me now and go back to Jamie?"
His response was, "Yeah, right" but it didn't sound enthusiastic. Maybe I'm just still fucked up and reading too much into things, I mean, how can you get excited about much of ANYTHING after not sleeping all night?
And he DID give me a kiss goodbye, so...
I don't know, FUCK.
Why can't this be clear-cut, lines drawn in the dust like this is how this is, and this is how it's gonna be.
I feel pretty strongly about James by now. I won't discuss what was said between us last night, but it made me feel more strongly than I did. (No "I love you's or any of that shit, which is good. Not the time for that.) But I don't know, intoxicants make people do weird-ass things or tell the truth, one of the two.
SO WHICH ONE IS IT? AHHHHH DAMN THIS TO HELL.
He says he's gonna call later, let's see if he does. That will be my answer right there.
I know I'm agonizing over this but I really do like him, I'd really like to see shit work out.
I hope I'm just being paranoid, he leaves Jamie behind forever, and follows through with what he's been telling me, but as it is said in "Shawshank Redemption," "Hope is a dangerous thing."
I am withdrawling really bad right now, I need to drink some water then sleep.
The soap opera fucking continues....