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F.U.C.K. an acronym that stands for "fortification under consent of the king" used to allow army men to be with other women in times of war. I wonder who turned it into a bad word? Or maybe they just used to word to mean sex and it just became inappropriate just because it's slang. When I think about it, I don't see why it should be a bad word. If Sexual Intercourse isn't bad because its a technical term, why does the slang version have to be? I feel as long as you don't use it to belittle someone or something, it's okay. Because even saying "You're a friggin' retard" is just as bad as saying "Fuck the fucking fuckers". But no, I don't cuss in public. I think I've only cussed in here and once to Joey. Poor Joey. Today in Geometry we got some donutettes. I got the powered ones. Chocolate ones are nasty. But of course, Mrs. Driscoll had to yell at me for something today, as she does everyday. "Udoka you are always 1 minute behind everyone! Get out your book!" In Biology, I started crying. This is why I love this blurty. I can get a lot of things out. If I didn't have it my stress and emotions could turn into a health problem unless I got a dog or something. But anyway, I get a bad, familiar feeling when I'm with David, Van, and Blaine. And I hate it. I feel very out of place. Like l don't belong with them. And maybe it's mixed emotions of jealousy, betrayal and lonliness/depression. I tried to kindof bond with David and Van because they are one of the few friends I have, but I can never accept what things are. I try so hard to change it, but as usual I'm a failure. And of course you can't force emotions on people. The closest friend I have at Garland is Logan and I don't even think it's so much. But I should have learned something from last year. It seems that whoever is friends with David, I can't seem to connect with them well. Maybe it's a compatibility thing. When I think about it more, I feel like the reason I feel jealous when I'm around them is because they seem like they have a friendship and a bond that I've only had once in my life, I guess. And I don't have it now... sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have it again. Betrayal because like I've done many times before, I've over estimated mutual feelings. And lonley/depressed because it reminds me of what I'm missing in life just in general that I could have if only I wasn't so... me. Sometimes it's a good thing. A lot of times it's not. I've heard too many times "you're not stupid" "you're a wonderful person" "You're so nice" that doesn't cut it. I don't take that anymore. Sure, I'm not stupid to a point that i need special care. And I'm not killing my class mates. But I can't think of any good qualities about me. Anything I can be proud of myself about considering the many advantages I have. I'm nosy, slow, no common sense, selfish, under-achieving no matter what I tell myself and I can't even trust myself anymore. Not like I ever did. Sometimes I just wish I was someone else. Or atleast know how to keep my mouth shut at certain times and be happy. I can't be happy. I'm so lucky to have all this stuff and to do all these things and I'm not happy. Sometimes I think everyone would just be better off with out me. I know my family would. And I highly doubt I've made any difference in the life of anyone anywhere in the world. I know whenever I try to help people with something besides lending money, homework, and plain courtesy, I'm very bad at it. Except maybe Joey. If I haven't dont anything for anyone, I hope I've atleast done something for him. Sometimes I think I would give up my life to save his. But one day I told myself I would make my mother happy. She wasn't happy. I told myself I would do my work. I didn't do my work. I told myself I would do this and I did that. I said I would do that and I did this. Not only am I useless to everyone else, but I'm even useless to myself! Sometimes I wonder if my mom was actually telling the truth about me being mentally 2 years behind normal children. And so for these reasons and more I cried during half of Biology. I tried to hide it but when Tarek asked me "what's wrong?" it made me feel better. And then I realised how selfish and attension seeking I am. I want attension, but I don't seek it because then that causes me to feel selfish and rude. And after the many mistakes I've made involving other people, I don't want to try anything again. I'm just not a people person, am I? All I can do is exsist. But who knows, this horrible feeling I have right now may pass. It goes in phases. 1st Im indifferent to everything or negative in a sense 2nd I feel social and happy and optomistic and 3rd I just want to fall off a cliff. It starts over. The 3rd one is always lasting the longest and the 2nd lasts the shortest. Each phase comes gradually. I remember in 8th grade 3rd stage lasted for about 2/3 of the year. But in 2nd grade, there was a friendly girl who over looked my tendancy to cry every 5 minutes and would be my partner on the many occasions I didn't have one. She read my palm once and told me that I would be very unhappy in life. She said I would have a wonderful husband and 2 or 3 great kids, but I would still be unsatisfied. And that my death would be from insanity and I'd kill myself with a kitchen knife. I didn't believe her at first but her eyes were teary and she begged me to not do it. I remember it so well... "please don't do it udoka! please don't..." Post a comment in response: |
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