| Current mood: | self-loathing |
returning to you
I did not keep my promise, so it ends up I am just all talks. I am going to continue to ramble. Skim on if my tupence is of any worth to you.
I did not go to Rose's school couselor because I had doubts about whether the school counselor could offer any real good assistance in dealing with my defiant sister. Acutally, I did not want to get up from my couch, get ready, and walk to my old middle school and spill out my frustration and family problems to a complete stranger. My parents and I have been getting along real fine now ever since the root of our gray hairing is stemmed from my sister's bad behavior. Yesterday I did not have to look at my sister because I was out for most of the day and I spent the night at my little cousins. However today, I had to put up with the irritable sight of her. My sister makes my blood boil because she just doesn't understand how much grief and headaches she causes upon the family. I wanted to punch Rose hard in the stomach for at least a dozen times and I had to pray to God to give me the strength not to. Tonight's mass preaching was about forgiveness. The guest preacher gave a dramaticaly terrific sermon about forgiveness, as terrific as the sermon was, it did not move me. I reflected on the lies and bull shit my sister did and forgiveness seems useless, especially when she's going to continue lying and being manipulative. Jesus is too kind to forgive man a hundred times forever over again.
Yesterday, I hung out with Rosa, Marco, Thuy, and her friend Mark downtown. We went to Ben and Jerry's for sweet treats and to the movie theatre afterwards. We watched GIRL WITH PEARL EARRING because that was the only movie available that didn't require us to wait for an hour to see. Also, Camera theatre is small; it doesn't have a lot of movies playing at similiar time. The movie was a big disappointment, I almost fell asleep. I did not have all that much fun during the outing. Even though Mark was a great guy, I was unable to talk to him because I sometimes can get real clammy meeting new people. Therefore Thuy kept Mark company while I kept reserved and talked to Rosa, whom I was more familiar with from school. I started to talk more when Marco joined us but conversation just went with both sides only half listening. Marco and I don't have as much in common as I thought. I don't see us hanging out anytime soon. A year ago, Marco and I hung out because we both needed a friend. He was vulnerable and depressed and I wasn't any better. Now that he has graduated from high school and have met a lot of cool, intriguing, eccentric people, he's feeling better and happier. It is just not only meeting cool new people, it is also about leaving the high school stage behing that I think he is feeling better. I'm glad that Marco is happier now. As for me, I am still feeling gloomy and currently seeking a friend to hang out in part silence with.
I feel like I'm 17 going on 77 without all the life experiene of a 77 years old lady.
I checked out the independent animated film, WAKING LIFE at the librry the other day. It's more like a college philosophy lecture than a film with a plot and an antagonist. The movie had probably at least a dozen profound arguments about life and existence but my mind was too clutterd to keep up with the intellectual dialogues in the movie. I only remember
"What keeps most of us from reaching our fullest potential?"
"Fear or Laziness?"
For me its laziness, therefore nobody should ever feel sorry for me, including myself. It's a lot easier drowning in self-pity than exerting the effort to get out of the pool.
Be angry with me.
(Read comments)
|
