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Halloween 2009
Something amusing happened after my last post. Gina, who I cannot tolerate more often than not, messaged me for the first time in months. God, what a beautiful day that was.
For awhile there, I was pretty depressed. I had been beating myself up mentally because I still hadn’t found work, and being rejected by an organization when I had such high hopes…it was a little too much for me to handle. I know I have a nonchalant, easy-go-lucky approach to the problems in my life, but sometimes, it is difficult to maintain it. When your whole world seems to have collapsed around your feet, how can you even hold your head up? It got really bad. Really…bad. To give you an example that I do not want to go into details about, I forgot why Dan mattered to me. I feel horrible that this happened, but I was so distraught and disheartened that I just couldn’t see the value in anything anymore. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that disheartened before. I vow to never get that disheartened again…at least not to the point that I lose sight of something so dear and important to me as Dan and his friendship… I stopped calling him, both because I was too disheartened to socialize and because I couldn’t figure out why I would socialize with anyone at all (especially him). But, much to my surprise, he called me Tuesday. I didn’t expect it, since he never calls. After talking with him for 2 1/2 hours (part of which was spent on a three-way call with Jeannette), I felt much better. It was as if some weight had been lifted off my shoulder. I didn’t feel like a complete failure as much. It’s not that he said anything in particular; he just has a way of pulling me out of the strongest, deepest unhappiness. He’s amazing like that. At the risk of sounding dumb…it’s like he’s my heart. You know? I need him to keep…feeling. *shrugs*
Anyway, it took me a little while longer to pull myself fully from my depression. I carved my pumpkin, making sure to bake the seeds (which tasted just like popcorn). I chose a haunted house design before I even bought my pumpkin, but it turned out to be too small for my pumpkin. Thus, I complemented it with a ghost pattern next to it. Together, they made quite a display. It really went well with Keenan’s spooky face design and my mom’s…goblin…design…? (I don’t know what it is.)
Halloween was relatively uneventful. The dishwasher has been shitty lately, so I’ve taken to washing dishes by hand. Of course, I use rubber gloves to keep my hands clean and dry. That’s how I spent most of my Halloween. I got to pass out the candy, though. I had wanted to dress up, but in the end I couldn’t think of a costume. My motto: go all out or don’t try at all. My favorite costume was in the first batch of kids. We only had like nine trick-or-treaters, but my favorite was a boy of maybe five years old dressed as Luigi from Super Mario Bros. It was pretty badass. We had a ton of candy left over, though, so I made sure to get my fill of that. I took many pictures with my video camera since I cannot seem to locate my digital camera for the life of me. I really want to know where that damned thing went…
I’ve been looking for work, but so far, I’ve still been unsuccessful. Jennifer sent me an article the other day explaining how the economy is getting better…except for areas such as Rockford. Greeeat. I picked one of the few places in the country where the job outlook is projected to get WORSE over the next year. Greeeat. -_-() I need a job, and I need money. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do, but I’m no longer going to beat myself up about it. I’ve started playing Xenogears again. I started awhile back (before I got Persona), but I haven’t brought myself to play it since. The guilt of being jobless prevented me from playing video games or watching TV. I can’t keep doing that, you know? I’m looking. I’m doing everything I can to find a job short of going from storefront to storefront asking if they’ll hire me. Hopefully I’ll find something SOON, but I’m not going to feel too bad if it doesn’t work out that way. Not much else I can do short of moving. Obviously that’s not an option, especially with my depleted resources.
Xenogears is an amazing game. I just thought I’d through that out there. It’s rivaling Final Fantasy VII at the moment, though I highly doubt it will pass. Highly.
I got a little depressed Monday. I swear, I’m not crazy. Life just isn’t too spectacular at the moment. I saw pictures of Dan dressed up (horribly) for Halloween, and it kind of broke my heart. This is something that I have to deal with, I know. I left his side; he’s going to do things without me over the next couple of years. Probably after that, too. But, it’s like your first holiday away from home. It’s hard to swallow. For once, I’m actually home…but I’ve been at his side for the last three years. This is going to sound horrible, but…Thanksgiving will probably be really trying for me. It became nothing less than tradition of going over to his house, playing some games, hanging out with friends… Now that I’m home, I should be excited to spend the day with my family. Part of me is, don’t get me wrong. But, there’s a big part of me that feels sad. Not only will I not get to see him, but he and Jeannette won’t get to see me. I know it sounds conceited, but Thanksgiving at their place tends to fizzle out quicker than it should. I’m usually one of the last ones to leave, if not the last one. I’m going to miss that, but I know they will too. What happens when everyone tries going home after a couple of hours like last year? They won’t have me as a contingency plan. -_-() I’m sure they will have a good time despite my absence. I’m sure I’ll have a great time without them. But, it doesn’t change that it’ll be hard on me.
Wow, that was a tangent! What I was saying was that the pictures broke my heart. I didn’t call him Monday like I normally do partially as a result of this. I had also called him Friday, but he never answered or called me back. I figured he was busy (read: having too much fun partying it up on Halloween), which relates to why the pictures made me a little bummed. He messaged me last night, though. Again, this was unexpected since he rarely messages me. He explained that he was busy (going into detail about what he was going). But, he wanted to let me know that he was thinking of me, and that he would talk to me as soon as he could. He even said that it made him sad that he couldn’t return my call from Friday. *shakes head* I swear, most of my friends have HORRIBLE timing. Dan’s is truly perfect. Not that I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was kind of heartwarming to hear all that. Kinda gives me something to hold on to, you know?
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