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Esther (esthermaria) wrote,
@ 2003-02-08 20:09:00
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    Current mood: cranky

    Okay so I am cranky? So what? I had four fucking hours sleep last night, ate less than 1000 cals today (after weeks of binging) and drank so much diet coke that my hearts beats away into the my life. I have very reason to be cranky. I am FAT- do you want me to spell it? F - A - T. It´s as simple as that.

    Skinny Esther= happy Esther.
    Fat Esther=cranky Esther

    I am simply exhausted from life itself. I am a total loser and i probably deserve every ounce of cruelty life throws my way but hey!- I can be cranky okay? Mom and sis are off again eating out- chinese. It´s a family desease- my family loves to go out and have food. I hate it. I makes me fat. I have no will at times it seems. They are were out for lunch. Steakhouse. Can you believe it? Out twice today? I had some watery potatoe soup for dinner. Same for lunch. And fruits. I am just having an apple. I hope I find an apartment soon where I can fast to my hearts content. I am still home- it makes me go crazy one day. Everything is their business. Except it isn´t but they don´t care. I am almost 22 and still they tell me what to eat and what not. If I have some candy they tell me I just get fatter. Okay granted it´s true and by the way triggering as hell but I should be saying it to me. Not them. They know where I have been, where I still am so why are they like that? If I don´t eat enough they tell me that I am a stupid anorexic and that I will never look like a model. Hell I know that? But it´s the only way I know to exist. Dieting, fasting binging. My pattern, my life line. I have to loose 10 kgs fast. I have to. Yes Sir! *Esther salutes* Who am I kidding? Chances are I never make it to this place again. When I was 14 I could juice fats for weeks. Now even 1000 cals leave me so weak. Whatever. I have some designing to do. Website. I want to get something done before I go to bed.

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