|Current mood:|| contemplative|
|Current music:||Dave Matthews Band- Two Step|
Yeah so last night was....different.
So recall that in my last post, i talked about how Tricia is one of the few people that i really Care for. well, it was an aggrevating night, because in my making her computer totally awesome, i came across a lot of small difficulties and annyances, with the computer, not Tricia. but like i hadn't slept for a few days and i was really starting to drag, my eyes felt like there were shards of glass in them, i had no energy, and i just felt bad. my knee was really hurting and it took a lot of strength to not limp. seriously dude, i was dragging like i had never dragged before.
now realize, while i'm sitting there hookin Tricia's compy up, i feel horrible and half dead, but at the behest of one of my friends, it was requested that i show my last blog post to Tricia. now, i dont know the exact reason why this was requested, but i did it out of humor, and i think that friend just wanted be to squirm and blush. and well, they didnt succeed. see, Tricia could pretty much teel that i was either embarrassed, nervous or whatever, but that i wasnt really comfortable in letting her read the post. so much of me was in that last post, and i have never given that much of myself to a woman in my long history. anyways, she basically said that if i'm not comfortable with it, then dont do it, and that she'd rather just have me say whatever it was to her as opposed to her reading it or me reading it to her. that kinda freaked me out, i knew that if were to say another word, she would get my entire story, she would hear everything that i am, she would know my biggest secret, and she would know me better than just about everyone. i knew that if i were to speak again, in my caring for her, i would essentially bear to her my soul. so i turned around and continued to fight with her computer....and crack litte jokes, and giggle to myself.
then, when i hit my limit for the night, between the computer and my own feeling of being the sludge on the bottom of the coffee pot, i talked again. yeah, she got all that i am, what i've done, what i suffer from, my hurts, my fears, my happinesses, my theories, my loves, my hates, my biggest secrets. i opened up to her, i told her everything aboot me, i gave her a view of my soul. she now knows something aboot me that jeremy and anthony may have barely noticed, if at all. though jeremy did note the change in me that was caused by becoming a christian, which is part of that secret. Tricia knows me totally. she knows everything, more aboot me than just aboot any other. and what better, she told me that it didnt weird her out, that she admired me for being able to open up and tell her the things aboot me than no-one else knows. but even with the fact that i was/am totally comfortable with her, i was more scared and afraid then than i have even been in my life. i was more afraid telling her my soul than i was in pledging my life and soul to Christ in front of at least 400 people. i was sitting in her room literally shaking. i was stuttering worse than i have in years, and was totally worried that her hearing my deepest most closely guarded secret would weird her out and force her away from me. really i mean you have to understand, i have never cared aboot a girl like this before. this is insane, in a good way, but insane. and what surprised me the most was that not only did she not freak out, but she understood and cared enough to respond and carry on in the conversation, giving examples from her own life that in some ways mirrored my own. it was completely surprising.
though, i do feel now that a huge burden has been lifted from my proverbial shoulders, i hope that in no way does Tricia feel any of that burden on her shoulders because she was willing to listen to me spill. i couldn't bear the thought of her suffering at my expense. (<-- i dont think i phrased that right) but i dont think that its right for me to put such an inhuman secret on her merely because she listened to my words. i mean, its something that i'm still in the process of coming to terms with, and i don't think that she should have to carry any of my weight. i know that she's willing to do whatever to help, but outside of having her as an ear or a shoulder, i cannot place any portion of such a burden on her. Based upon the nature of the burden that was lifted, i don't think that it would do her good. it could probably adversely effect her in such a way that she suffers as i once did, and partially still do...yeah, i'll end such cryptic thoughts and study for my physics test on friday. peace.