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He sat at my desk as I layed in bed and listened attentively. I heard the emotion in his narrative... so frighteninly similar to what I was like when I spoke of Jaime. As he stood, his account of what's been going on completely vented, he refused to accept my open arms. He knew that if he hugged me, the tears would freefall. I could do nothing. I know far too well that we are like teflon when in such state... and words from the outside, regardless of where they are from, just fade. The only turth is our own... everything is our own... the pain, the understanding, and the confusion as to why it is we fall in love with the wrong people. I wish there was something I could do to take my brother's pain away. I would wish it on me ten times before he would have to endure such sorrow, I guess I'm far too familiar with solitude. Not Mouse, he's the social one. He's the one who solicits smiles without effort. He's generous beyond understanding... selfless and levelheaded. I know how Candice and Lisa feel about Jaime now... having to listen and observe from the outside in, there's this frustration aimed towards Sandra. I've always been protective in that sense with my brothers. I remember the time Karen called and said what she said... I'm sure she thought nothing of it, but, I took offense to her taking my brother for granted. And my reaction, well... she'll always remember that day, and she never did that to my brother again. I guess all there is to do is have faith that he will snap out of it sooner than it took me to realize, well... that's a whole other topic. On another note, Jazmin and I are in similar situations, for different reasons. Jazmin is falling, so she says, and knows not what to do. This is the first time she's cared about anyone the way she does me, and I understand her confusion. Me, on the other hand... it's the complexity of thoughts driving me again. I don't want to fall... for so many obvious reasons. We don't choose who we have feelings for, but this situation is delicate. There are so many elements to condsider. Am I capable of being monogamous at a point in my life where I don't have the desire to? Can I handle nights, and events, such as the one from Saturday night? And what about Holly? There is more being sought from me, and I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I sit and ask myself those silly hypothetical questions. In fact, I asked the same when I was going through everything with Jaime. I took the most obviously appealing scenarios, something such as sleeping with Cyn or Patricia... and I asked what if. When you weigh one against the other, I knew whole heartedly that the way I felt about Jaime was more than enough for me. Everything else, even such temptation, was easily cast aside. However, is it now? Aside from the social aspect... my life in general is about to undertake a massive change. We've lived here for ten years now. I lost my virginity in this apartment... and so many other adolescent memories remain here. While it's going to be sad to leave, where we're headed is a dream come true. I think about how I am going to be able to take the next step... and it seems damn near impossible. There is so much sacrifice to be made, and it leaves so little room to take on anything more. But that's an entire other entry... It's good to be back... obviously sooner than expected, due to the change of scenario, but back, nonetheless. By the way... a word to the wise... be extremely careful of what you say to me, I'll go at you. Post a comment in response: |
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