I had my heart in my throat for all 9 hours of the trip to St. Augustine, and then, back home. And while, half the trip was accompanied, I've never felt more alone in my life. I never want to feel that way again. I've woken up everyday since that, cold sweats... afraid to express anything. Afraid now, of showing an inkling of emotion and having it automatically attributed to "roller-coaster" like behavior, or that irrational night. The gears turn even more incessantly, and yet, while analyzing each angle of everything that has happened... I couldn't bare to spit everything here, as much as I wanted to. There are some thing truly best left unsaid. We all are guilty of having swaying emotions... difference is that I wear mine on my sleeve, and for that, I incriminated myself. The vulnerability and weaknesses imposed by being in love were showcased disgustingly... and I'm not proud of it, but it's life... and I'm not perfect.
That being said, I'm done with this journal. I wrote everything I wanted to say... more beautifully than ever, in my mind... and that's where all of this needs to stay. This is probably the most sensible thing I've done recently... the most rational. And I leave you with these last words, from Jay's "December 4th," to which you can all go back and read from beginning to end...
"They say they never really miss you 'till you're dead or you're gone, so on that note, I'm leaving after this song. See, you don't have to feel no way about MO, so long... at least let me tell you why I'm this way... HOLD ON..."
Post a comment in response:
|© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.|