| Current mood: |  discontent |
| Current music: | watching TV |
I care but I don't.... shit won't change
I had this whole “compliant “ of this recent week but rather now only want to state what needs to be said so that you know where I come from.
It is already known to the world about my circumstance and it is not understood why I am the way I am emotionally. I can’t figure out why the way that is except that they see or have an idea of what I have and think that is enough to sustain me long term without any problems. Surprisingly monetary means of support is only a small portion of me.What I desire most is the want to be able to have friends who I can look and somewhat depend on as family. I want to be able to be free and pursue things successfully and have my own escapes and freedoms without limits. I want to be in love and some one to do the same back. I can't project this out to the world any more. Time and circumstances does not permit me to go out for these things. Im limited . I know that they limits are to some easily cured but what would take more precedence . Those that I speak of that is not too guaranteed but I dersire the more or a stable income and possible the ability to pursue some things in the future . Everything I want has to be waited for as I see it now, it's just I can't wait anymore. It is not fair for a person like me who sees that I have to work twice as hard to get any aspect I want in my life and even still see no real gain in what I want. I thought about changing myself in terms of being more likeable and to me that is so disheartening and soul destroying that it pains me to even think about it but is it needed?…
So everyone around me has something I want … I work twice as hard which proves ineffective… I have the means to do it now but my future would be a guaranteed fuck up. There are other feelings I have like bitterness based on alot of thing but always make me wonder what they did they do in there life to get “THAT”.
As I probably said I care only because I compare and my circumstances are by all means so lacking and so small compare to others. At the same time I don’t care. It is not 100% consuming but it is very present and has been so the last 7+ days and most been like this for the past several years . To live a half life is something I don’t want and there is no immediate solution to solve these past weeks predicaments of myself.
I just want some kind of clear solution. Happiness ,along with hope . Something solid and guaranteed that suits me!
updated: 11:54am mood: still discontent and some what lonely and annoyed
There is a black cat looking at me right now. It's eyes look yellow. awesome !
updated:10/11/09 2:02am mood: still discontent and some what lonely and annoyed but to a lesser extent now current music: pee wee big adventure
This guy from elementary school added me on facebook. There are shit load of elementary school pics of me on there and I am reading and talking to a few of them. Not regularly but just friendly convo...but the one guy from elementary school. when we were kids we use to touch each other...non sexually but it was "sexual parts" god to mention all of this is weird. Anyway ... he is hot.
I just thought about making some changed one at a time so to start off I am giving myself until then end of this year to lose 20 pounds . Phsyically I am not feeling confident and that needs to change. I'm starting this diet today.
Mike is an ever growing ass. why am I even still comunicating with this gay marriage hating such and such... (there is more shit that make me not like him more). I guess because I am willing to make friends with anyone these days even the ones I don't like. I'm lonely.
Thank you apocalypse for being pratical. I guess that is what I needed to figure shit out. God...why are you married... cough...divorce... cough ... silents... back to depression.
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