| Current mood: |  annoyed |
| Current music: | watching Ghost |
The best way I can put it.
Apocalypse can I say that last message about my show was gay. I mean…I would not expect that from you. I would expect that from Richard. Sounded patronizing almost since there is only one scene written and you never read it. With that said since you ask me to help you understand my unhappiness with what surrounds me.
Every day for a almost 24 hour period I listen to my father and my mother and lets include family to talk about family shit in the house, stuff that happen in the past and ignorant stuff that cease to amaze me.
Twice a week I go to the hospital and am so restricted by rules, and seriousness and just feel completely uncomfortable because I am not a people person YET I have to act my ass off just so people can like me.
Every Monday at school I gain little from school and am so depressed that I am there, breathing in bad breath from a guy who seemingly does not brush his teeth (and no I can not move cause the seats are all taken)
Every time I go to work I work my ass off and even get taken advantage of which is like 3 or 4 times a week
Everyday looked at more as a sexual object than someone one would like to get to know.
I lay in my room cause this is the only privacy I get.
My mind isn’t a haven to keep me sane anymore
My work accumulates more and more.
I have no place to go or no person to hang out with to escape
Everything I have is breaking down
No one close to me is listening or helping with my needs in general.
I feel more people gain from me that I from them so in other words I meet other people wants and needs where as I gain nothing. So I am pushing people away because of the facts I know about then that I hate or would use an excuse.
As for my friends it is like sometimes... I don't know but yall seem more distant than what I assume what a friend may be and it feels like I come to everyone more just connection.
These are all just random (possible pointless to you) things I can point out but for me , even if I can ignore it once in a while I am falling in this pit and there is no one there to pull me out and rescue me from this shit. I can’t say fuck it cause I want to solve it. I would like a friend I can hang out with on a regular bases or just have the means to escape from what is going on now IE me just running away or driving. I would like to have my own click of friends I can look at as family. I would like to be in love. I would like to just have a car and drive any where . I would like to look at other people and see there lives and mine and feel as if I am equal and not lesser or more slowed down or stagnant. I would like to pursue my dreams part time instead of doing a jobs that does not fulfill me .
I mean it would be so easy just to run away now but I have people to think about but those people including yourself rarely see me. From my point of view I am like a “convenient “ sort of speak. Meaning it is expected of me ,it is what I do… for a free spirit like me many should know I don’t like being in a box 24/7.
I just feel trapped and it is increasingly becoming hard to ignore as I realize these anxieties and depressiong are increasing more frequently now and I have no way of controlling them.
That is the best way I can explain it. feeling trappend and that nothing is changing. I need help .
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