| Current mood: |  confused |
| Current music: | Jamestown // The Movielife |
It's getting harder and harder to breathe
My emotions have been on some sort of roller coaster ride recently. I've been blinded with rage, I've felt completely desolate; I've felt so incredibly loved and I've felt so fucking helpless. I've been angry, I've been sorry, I've pitied and I've promised.
I've done my best to keep my emotions in check. I've tried. I'm on the road, I'm consistently surrounded by people. Alone time is luxury; one that I can't afford. I have a husband and three children to keep a look out on, I have a band to keep together, I have a record company to represent, I have fans to please and keep happy.
But I'm not a miracle worker. I give so much of myself to everyone else that I leave nothing for me. I can't be happy every single of the day. And I can't be expected to bend at a whim. When you're down, the last thing you need is someone to kick you. And that's all that's been happening to me recently.
I fought tonight. With Mike. About the set list. About a fucking set list. I want to change it up for our shows starting next week. He wants to keep it as is. He's 'comfortable' with it that way. He says I change it enough during the shows as it is. And maybe he's right. Maybe I do. But the songs I want to change to, he knows. He knows how to play them. He knows how I play them. He knows how to feed off me if I change, I know how to feed off him. Johnny and Scott know exactly what to do.
I'm arguing with my best friend over songs for a show. Mike and I haven't fought for....months. Maybe a year. Maybe ever longer. It's not like us. But tonight....I was so close to telling him to just pack his bags and I'll get someone else. I'd regret it, I knew. Mike's phenomenal on the drums, he's my best friend.
Tomorrow, things will be okay. Just like always. We'll realize how stupid we were, we'll reconcile, life will go on. And who knows. Maybe we'll have a new set list. Maybe we won't.
All I know is that I want this ride to stop. I'm close to just jumping off.
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