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.:.[ Phantasmagoria ].:. (embracethechaos) wrote,
@ 2004-11-12 11:51:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:"That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morrisette

    Its like 40 below in my study!
    "Heartache Every Moment"

    From lashes to ashes
    And from lust to dust
    In your sweetest torment
    I'm lost
    And no heaven can help us
    Ready, willing and able
    To lose it all
    For a kiss so fatal
    And so warm

    Oh it's heartache every moment
    From the start 'til the end
    It's heartache every moment
    With you
    Deeper into our heavenly suffering
    Our fragile souls are falling
    It's heartache every moment
    Baby with you

    And we sense the danger
    But don't wanna give up
    'Cause there's no smile of an angel
    Without the wrath of god

    Oh it's heartache every moment
    From the start 'til the end
    It's heartache every moment
    With you
    Deeper into our heavenly suffering
    Our fragile souls are falling
    It's heartache every moment
    Baby with you
    My darling with you

    From lashes to ashes
    And from lust to dust
    In your sweetest torment
    I am lost
    And we sense the danger
    But don't wanna give up

    Oh it's heartache every moment
    From the start 'til the end
    It's heartache every moment
    With you
    Deeper into our heavenly suffering
    Our fragile souls are falling
    It's heartache every moment with you
    That's right


    HIM isn't as bad as I thought. Its kind of like... a normal less gothy type version of Type O Negative. o.o! Like the title says, its cold here. Brrr. Guess what? I got my paper for LTCY 44 done. Aren't you proud of me? I'm proud of me, so it doesnt matter if you are or not.

    Right now, I think my cat would love to know why I keep tapping these keys. (Shes sitting on my desk, turning her head sideways like puppies do when they are confused. Its cuter on cats, trust me) So... I decided to try a new type of music: punk. Maybe I can be like John John and Derrick and be GUNK for awhile. Mwahaha. If Im gunk (which is goth + punk) can I still like Maroon 5?

    I came up with an idea today. Maybe, I will just start wearing all kinds of clothes... "preppy" clothes, "goody two shoe" clothes, punk, goth, skater, cowboy, "wigga" all of it. That way, no one can definitively place me in a group with other people that are nothing like me. Whatever happened to being yourself and identifying with yourself, not conforming to any group. (Which is a pretty funny concept for those goths and punks who are part of those groups just cause they don't want to conform... arent they still conforming in a way?) Anyhow... ahem.

    What exactly am I? Do any of us really know ourselves? I look back on my old journal, and reflect on those times, and then I look at me now. I keep changing, changing back, changing again. Its like a bad dream that no one can escape. Is there something wrong with me or is there something wrong with the people who never ever change? Change is good, right?

    Right now, I feel like Im going through a teenage rebellion all over again. I mean, I went through this already. SHouldn't I be grown up or something now? Shouldn't I have sucessfully completed Erikson's "identity versus role confusion" stage by now? Hell, I thought I had, and already completed the next stage. What if I am always behind? What if I never know myself? How can I stand sleeping with me when all I know about me is my name. (Does that make me a slut? I just sleep with someone I don't even know?!)

    What does it mean to know yourself anyhow? I know the things I like, I know the things I am good at. I don't know myself in the same way that I know other people. I can guess other people's actions, but I cant sit down and say "this is what I would do in this situation" if the situation is complicated. Are we supposed to do that? Maybe its like one of those game glitches where I wasnt supposed to think about this, and now my "game" is frozen. Kinda like on Max Payne where you can shoot the boss chick at the end and the game freezes. Its like shes saying "You bitch, you cant shoot me! Thats not how its supposed to go. I'll just freeze your game up, monkey breath!" Is that how life is? Is life saying things about me behing my back? Oh goodness, maybe life is cheating on me. (Hence the saying "Life screws us all"...how the hell did I get into a relationship with that bastard?)

    I know I keep making jokes, but really this is a serious issue. Who am I? Is there someone that can tell me? Maybe there is one person in the world assigned to each person who can tell their partner exactly who they are. I wonder... Is this like one of those chicken and egg jokes? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" "Don't fix it if it aint broken?" "Wanna try combo?" (LOL) Is that what this is? Just a big sucession of ideas and questions that make no sense together. Maybe thats all life is supposed to be. Maybe we are born, we make life what it is, and then we die, and there was no great purpose for our lives. Maybe our only purpose was for God to see how badly each of us could screw ourselves over. What a novel idea.

    On to other subjects: Im going to write a novel... and Im going to finish it. I had a dream about this, and I think it would make a kick ass novel and movie. See this college student gets stalked by her professor. Eh? I mean, I have lots of ideas, but Im not giving them all away. We'll see where it goes.

    I'm done blabbering. I wish my chem teacher would email me back. Oh well.


    "Oh I see your scars I know where they're from
    So sensually carved and bleeding until you're dead and gone
    I've seen it all before beauty and splendour torn
    It's when heaven turns to black and hell to white
    Right so wrong and wrong so right

    Now

    Feel it turning your heart into stone
    Feel it piercing your courageous soul
    Beyond now - redemption
    No one's gonna catch you when you fall"

    .:.[ Phantasmagoria ].:.



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