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Keturah (elioenia) wrote,
@ 2007-09-13 14:18:00
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    Finding my way
    Do you ever have those moments when you are disgusted with yourself? When you just want to do something so original just because you feel so blended? That's how I feel right now. I wish so badly that I could be happy with who God has made me to be. I look at other people and wonder how they got so GREAT! In the bible it says to do everything without complaining or arguing. I am trying so hard. God I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made since I have been down here. Sorry for being lazy. I really do need your guidance. More than I could ever ever say. I hope that you are listening. I want to find out who I am in you, not in myself, not in what I do, not in the people around me. Help me to be more assertive. I sometimes get so scared that people are going to like me that I hide myself from everyone. I have been in TX for almost a month now and haven't made one friend. God I know I've been asking a lot lately but please I am asking you for some friends. Help me to find out how I am first.

    "He (God) always looks out for what He know is in our best interest. What may look like a disappointment to us will always turn out for out good if we do not lose faith. God is love; there is no selfishness or evil in Him." I've been reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. Great book. I know that I have to have faith that God is taking care of me. God if there is something that is inside of me that I am unaware of that brings these insecurities to the surface then please show me. I need you God. If these hard times are here to show me something then I am willing to endure them. I am so sick of being jealous of people and unsatisfied with the person you have made me to be. You have created greatness inside of me and I cannot deny that.

    My heart bears burdens
    That are not its own
    And so grows weaker still
    If I could truly see what He sees
    Would I be different?
    Oh hopes are high here
    As my vulnerability grows
    Please don't let me down
    Hope deferred makes the heart sick

    God wow can you believe I am even in this place I feel like such a baby talking to you like this. Shouldn't I be finished with this foolish talk, yet here I am and my mouth putters forth. Aw what to do with me? I know you are a God of patients and grace and I ask that you would show that to me today. Oh to be wiser and stronger means hard times and struggles, which it seems I've failed them all. Give me another chance and another chance. Take away my selfishness. I can hardly believe how selfish I really am. Please I don't want to be like this any more. Help me Lord. Maybe it just takes me a lot longer to get things through my head. I think I am just trying to rely on myself and not you. I am sorry God. You are most holy.

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