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Keturah (elioenia) wrote,
@ 2006-02-19 07:37:00
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    Hopelessness
    So my mood has definitely been vile! I'm not sure what my problem has been lately. I know that there is something going on...maybe it is spiritual, i'm not sure but i am not liking it. i feel like i have fallen into a small sadness...which i perfectly normal. i just wish i knew why. i want to get out of this place and move on and it seems like everyone i talk to is looking on the outside in just knowing what it feels like to be free and they are not willing to let me know the details of the outside world because they know how much i will LOVE it. Freedom...what i freedom, i don't feel free right now. i feel bound by this place almost sufacating. i need out but i know that i am not suppose to be out yet. God is teaching me so much about myself and other people. but it hurts way much! i know that i know that i know I am suppose to be here, i just don't want to be and whether that is the right attitude to not to have, i have it. i can't deny what i feel but i can overcome what i feel and i know that God will help me. He knows what i am going through and he's here for me, closer than a brother or mother or friend. i can rely on him for anything.

    i am in this place where i am waiting for an answer if the answer is bad then my life is over forever and i know people say this phase flippantly all the time, but in my case it is truer than ever. to put it frankly: i would rather die than have this happen to me. But if the answer is good I will be one of the happiest people you have ever met...i mean think about it if i would rather die than have this happen to me then to know the answer is good would make to want to live all the more.

    i know that my God is faithful, even more faithful than the air i breathe. I proclaim right now, not that this is the first time, but I WILL BLESS THE LORD NO MATTER WHAT!!! I won't turn from him...he is my everything he is the one who helps me through each day, he is my helper, my shield, how could i even think of turning from him especially in a difficult situation???? I love God with all of my heart and I don't care what i have to do or go through I will love him forever. Yes I am so scared I do'nt know what to do but I know that God is right here. I don't say that God is right here as in he's somewhere neart me, no he is holding my hand he is my protector he is guiding me. Right with me every step of the way.


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