Its back
Its back I'm going to see a doctor about it on Thursday. I feel really pathetic and worried that they'll say I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I guess all I can do is tell them how I feel, how I basically have no hope for the future and everything seems hopeless and pointless. I just want someone to help me and make this all go away. I dont remember what its like to not feel like this but I want to have a normal life and feel how normal people do, not down in the shit like this all the time. I dont know why its happened, I did really well and hit a level a few months ago, why culdnt it stay that way? I was happy to wake up every morning, wondered what I could do with each day. My life had hope and potential but now it doesn't.
It feels like the walls are closing in on me, there's no way out and I;ll be in here forever. I want people to understand and care, really honestly care and help me.
Reading this back I sound so obsessive and pathetic but its real. Its what goes on in my head every second that I'm awake. I look forward to sleep because it doesn't get me there. Sometimes I have bad dreams but luckily I dont usually remember my dreams. Anyway it can't be any more scary than what goes on while I'm awake.
I've gone back to that feeling of just existing, not living. I want to live, I want to be in control and not let this beat me. But it is atm. Its on top of me, weighing me down so I can't move or cry for help.
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