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Camaleon (el_camaleon) wrote,
@ 2003-07-14 23:13:00
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    Current mood: blah
    Current music:The Pixies - Doolittle CD

    .:. Latest Musings and Dilemas .:.
    I cant decide if having an online journal is worth all the hassle. Fuck typing! Well,it beats a written one for no other reason than it is hard to misplace.
    I have no idea how many fucking paper journals I have lost. This has to be better.

    |.:. Bi-Polar .:.|

    I think having this fucking diasese is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes, the way I experience life is so intense and deep I marvel at it.
    Streams of creativity just gush from me randomly... in the forms of storys,poetry,screenplays... Visions::: I have them all time:::: some are coherent others
    arent so coherent. Business idea's etc etc etc!

    Not to mention the B-U-R-S-T-S of energy that can happen.

    The bad side for me is, I seem to be plagued by the "Downs" of this ailment more so than the "Ups"! I rapidly cycle throughout the day from -- Anxiety,Elated,
    to Rock Bottom Depession -- and that is a scarey roller coaster ride at times.

    Maybe its time I quit bullshitting myself and get back on the meds. I cant seem to keep a J-O-B off of them. But everyone says I am a zombie on them. I get so
    dull feeling when I on meds. This job thing is getting real frustrating. I get one... get hyped about it... do well...exceed expectations and then bottom out.
    Maybe I just need to avoid the high pressured atomsphere of "B2B Tele-sales"? I need to step up to the plate and actually go into business for myself.

    I know that I have to real careful in an environment that isnt structured and rigid,with rules and boundries... but I get tired of them and begin to break them
    or do things that sabotage my tenure as an employee!

    I happen to despise supervisors,managers,team leaders etc etc. I want to take control or else blaze a path for myself and thats doesnt always sit well in the old
    "team environment"!

    Maybe a good dose of "Depakote" could do me some good... and some "H-A-P-P-Y M-E-D-S" like paxil or xanax.... My desire to want to self medicate is becoming pretty strong. I am beginning to think I am a white knuckle drunk/drug addict. Sometimes the urge to drink is so fucking powerful... or snort something,
    or smoke something. Well, I have been clean for like, 11 years... so I am not going to fuck that up. However,my wife asking me if I wanna just smoke a joint once and a while... away from the kids when were alone-- is getting to me and she wont let up with it--... I think she really wants to get high again. I just hated who we were back then... and the disgusting outlooks we had on life and the shit we did,manipulate and scheme... FUCK ALL THAT!

    | .:. The Weekend .:.|

    We didnt have any money to do shit really. So Tiff and I hung out at Barnes and Noble. I read a book on Numerology,called "Newmerology"...pretty cool all in all.

    Tiff read that fucking skank Traci Lords Bio! What a opportunist... that little bitch was loving getting her twat stuffed and being paid for it. If she didnt,why did she go back to Porn later on ?

    We watched "They" and the "Phone Booth". Phone Booth was okay... but "They"--- BLEW ASS... BIG TIME! Wes Craven can suck my nuts! He's lost it!
    That fucking movie was so LAME and a rip off of that "Tooth Fairy" Movie.I should have rented "Basic"!

    WOW! Tiff shaved her legs finally! And her pussy too! Well,not shaved but "Veeted" the areas. I didnt get a chance to enjoy the benefits... I ravaged her at two in the morning the night before... she enjoyed it though... I love when she gets so much that she zones out and drewls all over the place... I have to remember to incorporate more ass slapping into our sessions... she really got off on that. I know she likes me to talk dirty to her... but sometimes she looks embarassed by it.
    Fuck it... its a doubles sport and I like it! LOL!

    Lately, I guess my advances are getting old. I cant fucking help it... since I first saw her 13 years ago,she always get me excited. Sometimes just the way she is standing and talking to me makes me wanna jump up and do all kinds of nasty and kinky things to her! Or seeing her in bed asleep... well, at least I am still attracted and very turned on by my wife after this many years... some guys complain that, that isnt the case for them anylonger.

    I really need to lay off the "Online Seduction" though. Theres now five different women that I have engaged in "Web Cam Fun" with that want to bring things to the next level. Getting off like that is okay in my view... its 100% safe... but some of the offers are sounding too good and I find myself making "dates" with these chicks and debating on following through on them. FUCK THAT! Too scarey... but Noel is fucking hot and she is haunting my mind...whats wrong with me?

    [ Yeah...she's H-O-T-T! ] And I want to fuck her SOOOO BADDDD!!! Finest Pussy in the "225"!!!

    |.:. The Job Front .:.|

    Not being able to tell my wife I am unemployed sucks ass. If she knew.. and I think she has her suspicions,she knows me too well... she'd flip out! So, I leave at 7:30 to go wait at the library.... apply for jobs... hang out at the bookstore or back to the library again... until 6 pm. I need a job that will allow me to move around and not be confined to a desk all day.. my fucking gut is getting big.

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