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watashi no kokoro ga morikoroshita; Eirhjien (eirhjien) wrote,
@ 2002-11-11 09:36:00
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    This is me writing nothing in particular....
    So...I guess this is how these things start...boredom. I'm sitting here listening to Winter, Again by GLAY...feeling numb. Things are flying by lately. It really frightens me sometimes. Before I know what's happened, another week has passed with the falling of the rain, and I'm older and closer to going away from this world I'm stuck in. I feel I need to shed this skin for a new one and start over again somewhere else, where no one knows who I am and they won't judge me on past faults. God I'm lonely. Chris doesn't know this. I'm glad, he'd only be more insistant than he already is. All he ever has to say is "We should have sex." or "Sex is the best part of a relationship" or "Those bastards you dated before have ruined you...they've broken you...I want to kill them for that." Yep. I'm ruined. I'm ruined because I don't want to fuck. That makes me laugh. I don't feel broken. I feel better not having to bond again with someone like that. Ever since that night with Brandon...ugh, I never want to be touched again. I've told him that a thousand times...he listens for 5 minutes, then goes back to asserting that we should do it. I hate how a simple back rub turns into a battle to get me to put out. I'm like an object. A pretty toy. Wish he'd stop pretending sex is what relationships are all about. If he continues, there won't be one. It drives me up the wall. I think that 4 hour hike we took up to Snow Lake was a ploy to render me too tired to object. Well, it didn't work.

    Well anyway. It's that time of year again. Where everything seems surreal, and the cold sets in and renders us all as grey and lifeless as the environment. Somehow though, I rather prefer this season and its turbulence. I feel like sitting all day at the Kirkland waterfront, unmoving, allowing the winds of Autumn to wrap around me. Staring out across the water at the shifiting lights on the bridge, making their way to god knows what. I wonder what it would be like to let those chill winds lift me and carry me out across that expanse of tossing waves...freedom at last. Perhaps then it would let me go, and I would plummet, the water reaching out to greet me, black and chill...kissing my skin, pulling me under forever. The icey onyx joy of the water reaching my lungs. I've become such a loner. Maybe all I have left is these thoughts. Everyone I love turns away in spite. I've got a bitter taste in my mouth that will never fade. The taste of dead love. Goddammit. When is the sun going to come out and light my life up again? Fuck this stupid world.

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