|Current mood:|| contemplative|
|Current music:||"Running Away" - Hoobastank --We need a Doug Robb|
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple days...weeks even, and I have come to a conclusion that some may not like, but too fuckin bad, ya know? I've decided once tour is over...I need some serious alone time. I just have to figure out how to do it. There are a few obvious issues prohibiting me just being alone in my house, and responsibilities I need to take care of before being slefish like that. I know Cam is headed for a breakdown, which scares the shit out of me. I really do not want to be there for that. How awful does that sound? It's just because I don't want to see her upset and just...not herself. That'll kill me, but I know if anything she will need me. I of course wll stay strong for her and do whatever she needs me to do, but there is only so much that I'll be able to do seeing as how I need to take care of myself.
I really just want a good week or two to be completely and utterly alone. I want there to be silence that echos through the house. I want to only speak if I'm on the phone or if I'm running a few lyrical ideas through my head, but doing it outloud to see how they sound. I want the only repetitive sound to be Oliver barking or whimpering. I want to be able to sleep for 12 hours straight and not have to worry about anything else while sleeping. I want to be able to hole myself up in my house or my room, or the basement with my guitars and just sit there. Think. Sleep. Eat. Nothing else. Nothing.
I know this is already not sitting well with Cameron. She probably thinks she's done something to make me want to be alone for awhile and what not, and she really hasn't. This is in noway about her. It's about me. I know me, better then anyone else. I know myself like no one else does. When I get stressed out and anxious and heading for my own fuckin break down, I just don't want to be around a single solitary soul...no matter how important to me they are. I just want to be left alone.
Tour has taken a lot out of me this time, and I'm not sure why. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Cam was pregnant and the emotional rollercoaster that put both her and I on. I'm definitely physically exhausted, but I'm probably more emotionally drained right now then anything. We've had a few good days...but I know us. It'll all come to a crashing hault here in a day or two and we'll be back where we started. It's a vicious cycle with us. Oh well. Edit: It wasn't a couple of days. More like a matter of minutes.
I don't know why I wrote this. Just venting I guess.