She tells me I'm an amazing person. I think she's said that phrase about ten times to me. I'm an amazing person. But not amazing enough to be with, not amazing enough to even see where it goes... just amazing enough to be friends... that's who I am to everyone... this amazing person that they don't want to be with...
I really wish I could be numb... I wish I could sleep through the next 15 years of my life but have it move on and accomplish everything I want to. I want to wake up with a wife, kids, a PhD. and a good job. But really all I want is to be amazing to someone in the way that I want someone to be amazing for me.
I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel... I feel a lot of things. I guess the best two words to describe it are "not enough"... that's what I feel. I feel not enough, not enough to change the world, not enough to find someone, not enough to be someone's one and only or even one in twenty... just not enough. I want to be enough. I don't want to be anyone's everything. I don't want to save the entire world. I don't want to be the master of the universe. I just want to be enough, but even that seems to high of standards for me... I don't know. I'm still slightly drunk. I'm very much on my pitty pot. And I want to turn my life off, or start it over again, or just go back in time and tell myself as a little girl that a wedding with the dress, and family, and little flower person, is not everything in life. I want to tell myself as a little girl that I am good enough, then maybe by the time I got to this point I would be.
Andrea was at the bar last night too. She confronted me three times. Even grabbed me by the collar. I was scared, not about getting beat up. It happens right. I've been beaten before. But I told her that she was going to get in trouble, maybe even thrown out, and I didn't want her to. that's what I was worried about. I know that I hurt her and I feel bad, even though I was just living my life. I wish she could move on because it hurts her to hold on to this. Maybe I should let her beat me up, then maybe she'd get over it or at least feel better. Who knows...
My life right? crazy, like always, and I really wish i could just stop being a part of it... - Nyk