| Current mood: |  contemplative |
Will I Ever Be A Writer??
06/17/06
I’m thinking about my writing again… and I’m worried. Surprised, of course not, concerned, very… I don’t know if I’ll ever make anything of all these stupid words I put onto pages. I sent out my poetry in January. Anyone remember that… yeah well, there’s about eight places that haven’t let me know yet. There’s been 24 rejections… 24. I don’t even want to type this on here because I feel like such a failure. Ahh, and I know that the way I went about sending stuff out wasn’t the best way to do it. I didn’t just send my very best stuff to the magazines that printed those kinds of poems. I sent all kinds of things out, some that sucked I’m sure. I know that there are other places to send things besides literary magazines. Yet, I feel like I have not done anything. I feel like I am being told that it’s never going to happen. Do you know how many writers there are in this country??? Good writers, writers who make you say, that’s a good line. So how dare I think that my “good lines” are going to go anywhere. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t have faith, but I guess it kind of is. It’s that I don’t think I’m good enough. I just write words that are in my head. That’s not a writer. That’s like everyone in this planet. So maybe I should just give up, but I don’t want to. This is my dream, one of my biggest I think. I want to be published. I want people to read my stuff and say wow, yes. Maybe I can’t make anyone think that. Maybe I don’t even know… I need to get ready for work. I don’t want to go to work. It’s lonely there, and quiet and I think too much. I haven’t written a poem since… I don’t even know… maybe LHA…
Side Note: so she just told me, the one I was talking earlier, just told me that she can’t date right now, she needs to be alone. I told her that’s cool ‘cause it is, but yeah. I know that I shouldn’t let myself like someone… ah, I scared her off I’m sure. I did something or said something today to make her feel like she had to get out quickly… ahh, I’m so tired of liking people. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I wish I could turn my heart to stone I really do… if only…)
Writing… I haven’t written in a really long time, nothing worth anything anyway. Not that anything I write is worth something, but you know what I mean… I don’t know why I haven’t written. It’s like everything I start to write turns into something so pathetically hackneyed that I can’t even finish writing it. I think I’ve become too critical before I even write a piece. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever write anything. Maybe I just haven’t felt creative lately. Maybe I’m just not thinking about writing because I sit in class all day and work all night, and then try to sleep. I did write something in Sociology the other day I guess, but it’s not very good. Again, hackneyed. I don’t even know where my notebook is. Maybe I’ll post it later… I don’t know what thoughts are going through my head anymore. I’ve always said I wanted to be a writer but maybe I just meant that I always want to write. I want to write, but I’m not sure if I can stand all the rejection that comes with being a writer. Hmm… who knows what will happen with me. I don’t. But I guess everyone gets rejection at first, but I think I need to look at what I can do better and maybe work on my pieces more and really have faith in the few I send out next time, but I think I didn’t do that because then if they get rejected it’s a lot more painful than getting your crap rejected… I don’t know… maybe I need new dreams - Nyk
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