| Current mood: |  crushed |
| Current music: | Papa Roach |
Completely Forgettable...
05/07/06
F-ing MORON!!
So, I’m an idiot, a moron. We’ve established this quite thoroughly in the past couple of weeks I think. It’s almost six hours now after she said she’d stop by with the phone, take a shower, and pick me up. Yeah, six hours. It’s 11:08 right now. I haven’t eaten all day. Didn’t feel like it. My tummy’s talking to me though right now… It’s so f-cking hilarious, or maybe pathetic is the word I’m looking for… I really thought they were gonna come get me. HA HA, I even wouldn’t let myself cry after about thirty minutes after talking to her ‘cause I didn’t want to be crying when they came. Right, five and a half hours later, I was still sitting here thinking that I had to wipe my tears about every two minutes just in case they came. They’re not coming, right? Everyone reading this knows this right, they would have f-cking known it like four hours ago… yeah, not me, I’m still sitting here thinking, maybe they’ll come. Just maybe they haven’t all f-cking forgotten about me. Then I remember how forgettable I really am and I realize they aren’t coming. I sat on my computer playing games and listening to Papa Roach for six hours just waiting, watching the time pass. AHH, I’m such a moron! It pisses me off so much that I still f-cking have faith in her. I don’t know why. It’s not like she’s given me any reason to believe in her, and yet, I f-cking do. And every time it’s a surprise that she doesn’t come, that she lets me down, every f-cking time. HELLO!!! I’m supposed to be smart, or at least not stupid, but that’s obviously not true when it comes to her. Ah, I want to stop crying. I’m so tired of crying. I have a final tomorrow morning at 9. I’m supposed to have this huge manifesto thing typed up for it. Think I’m doing?? NOPE, I can’t. I tried. I sat there and tried and I couldn’t stop crying and thinking about her dumb butt. Ah, I don’t even care. That’s the worst part. She can fail me and it won’t matter ‘cause it’s not like I’m doing anything in August that I’ll need my degree for. So who cares. Ah, God, help me… ah, I think God forgot about me too. Everyone else does why not him?? They were all hanging out, all of these people that call themselves my friends. All of them at Laura’s. I hang out there all the time… and they were all hanging out there tonight. There were at least five of them in that car when I was talking to Tina. A-rod even talked to me on the phone and asked if I was coming over. Yet, none of them, not Tina who promised she’d bring me the phone, not Carrie whom I spent the whole day with yesterday… not Natalie who hugged me last night and told me it would all be okay. None of them are here, none of them have tried to let me know they’re thinking about me at all and it’s because none of them are. They’re all drunk and laughing and screwing and whatever… and I’m sitting here patiently waiting… for NOTHING… ‘cause that’s all I am to them and all they’ll give me. It’s really sad. I want to hurt people, well, Tina, I want to make her feel the pain I’m feeling. I want her to hurt inside… and that’s not like me. I’m not like that at all ever. I’m becoming bitter and cynical and jaded, and I don’t want to be. But I seriously wish, I mean have an honest desire, for her to stop laughing and screwing the other girl, and drinking, and think about me for one F_CKING second and think about me crying for six hours while she partied… but not because I want her to feel guilty but because I want to feel like she cares about me at all. I’m so f-cking alone. I don’t have a phone to call anyone even if I wanted to… the car’s out of gas and I have no money… I’m just stuck here on this dumb bed freaking out of my freaking mind. And no one NO ONE knows or is even thinking about it… NO ONE….I know I’m unstable. I know I’m depressed… blah blah, manic depressive, bull crap. I know that. I know that this all seems so melodramatic, I know that. But to me it’s my f-cking life and it’s worthless and I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do it anymore. I’ve been trying so hard to fight, so hard. But I’m weak, I am a weak person and I can’t handle this… I can’t. I don’t want to change the world anymore because I can’t even stand being in it. My dog won’t even lay in here with me tonight. I think it’s ‘cause the music is so loud or because he doesn’t like hearing me cry, but he’s on the couch. I really am alone here, alone, being lonely, being forgotten by everyone… It just f-cking hurts that they can all not think about it at all. I don’t know. I think I’m going to turn into a b----. I really do. I’m getting angry at everything. I don’t want to be one though. I don’t like mean people. I don’t like them at all. But I feel like being one. I’m not getting up to bring Tina to work tomorrow. I’m not! I refuse to. She never asked me to bring her to work. She can’t call me and ask me ‘cause she has the phone. SO I’m not going to. And if she comes to get the car tonight, well she’ll have to fill it up. And if she has to make Kenna get up tomorrow morning and drive her here I’m not going to feel bad because none of them felt bad about leaving me here at home alone. Tina never feels bad making me get up every f-cking morning to get her butt from her girlfriend’s… so why should I feel bad? I shouldn’t. But I will. Ah, that’s why I’ll make a horrible b----. I’ll feel bad about it and my stomach will hurt all day while I’m worrying about it. And I know Tina never feels bad or worries about me. That’s so f-cking funny to me, pathetic again is the better word. Every single decision, every single minute of the day, I sit and wonder if I should be at home incase Tina comes, or if she’s coming home if that’s where I am, or whatever, I mean literally I make myself sick over it every day, every minute of every day. And she’s partying right now and I’m sure hasn’t given it another thought. She’s such a bastard. And she doesn’t get it, that’s the worst part. She was SO mean to me today on the phone. I mean, she really was just a complete jerk, which is why I knew she was drunk before she told me ‘cause she’s a prick when she drinks. But she was so hurtful I can’t even explain it and she will never think about it again. Ever… I guess it all goes back to just how forgettable I truly am… - Nyk
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