| Current mood: |  crappy |
| Current music: | What If |
Things I cannot say
04/30/06
There are things I want to say to her, that I want to explain to her, but I can’t, I just can’t do it…
She asked me why I loved her today. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her ‘cause it hurt so much to think of how much I loved her and how she didn’t feel the same way towards me. She loves me like a friend, and I am in love with her. She asked me once if I ever thought we were in love. I told her that she was in love with me at a different time than I was in love with her. She was in love me when we first got together, for about nine months or so, and I’ve been in love with her ever since…
I love her because…
I love how much joy she gets in music and finding that perfect line in a song
I love how she wants to write those perfect lines
I love how her eyes light up and she laughs so hard when she’s playing with kids
I love how she can make kids laugh by being completely silly
I love how she isn’t afraid of being judged by those kids, or anyone else
I love how her eyes sparkle just a little bit, or used to, when she’d look at me and I could see her heart smile…
I love how I feel more at home in her arms than anywhere else on Earth
I love how she makes me feel like I’m worth something and actually believes it
I love how willing she is to be silly around everyone because it makes them happy
I love how she is herself no matter how that makes other people feel
I love… I love her, and I love who she is and who she makes me… and I just ahh, this sucks… all of it sucks…
Friday night, after prom, I wanted to be with her. I mean, I wanted to “be” with her. I even imagined it in my head. I wanted to so badly… I wanted her. We were watching a movie on Saturday and these people were kissing and getting ready to make love. Usually I look at the ground, or make a comment completely off topic, or something, and get embarrassed, but this time, I wanted to kiss her. It made me think of being with her. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m changing. Maybe it’s because I know I’m not supposed to, but I don’t think that’s it. Maybe it’s because Friday reminded me of when we first met, and I felt that thing for her, the thing I felt in the beginning… and it made me think of being with her in that way… I don’t know, all I know is I can’t tell her any of this. I CAN’T… I can’t mess with her head. No matter what, I have to sit in silence, and maybe someday I’ll be better, but it won’t matter ‘cause we probably won’t even know each other then. I thought I could figure out what was wrong, or something and then we could be together, but she let me know that was never going to happen. So I can’t tell her obviously… but I felt something, something I wanted to explain to her, so when she left Friday to sleep with other girl after I felt all that, it broke my heart so badly, and I couldn’t even tell her all the reasons why… I thought she felt it for me to, and she didn’t and never will again… it’s funny that we’ve both been so in love with each other we just can never do it at the same time… - Nyk
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