I haven't put an entry in here for so long becase there haven't been any words to describe how I have been feeling. I've been hating everyone...and it's like some moments I can't stand to be around anyone...then other moments I just want to be around certain people. Then when I am all happy and shit...everyone else is sucky to be around. SO that puts me in a bad mood. grr. Can I just say Fuck all ya'll for a second. everyone...I mean EVERYONE!!! Go ahead dismiss me. You know I feed off that feeling. Makes me wanna wrip my hair out and write and write and write!!! She's a fuck head. He's a fuck head! You all suck...I wish I was a fish...30 second memory sounds good to me.
Why should I pick you up when you are just going to let me fall again. everyone comes to me for everything...like I'm God or something. I mean...I can't be everyones leaning post..I hate it here...I see how plastic everything is and i want to vommit. Excuse me when i bend over will you kiss my ass...we could take turns. wtf! everyone's so full of shit.
"I just needed some place to type my current thoughts, I needed to know that they were going to be read, whether this is for my ego or not--I do not know--all I know is that it helps to have your feelings somewhere out there."
My heart is literally breaking right now. I have so many feelings for so many different guys....but I'm not sure what it even means. I'm not happy. He was right. Chris was right. I am too akwardly random. but he only said that because he's the only one who could possibly want me the way I am now. Then that plays into me doubts, my fears.... and I hate him for that.
But god aren't Bandy and Micheal good at manipulation? and the temptation is sometimes RIGHT THERE.. the temptation to just tell them how it is...how it hurts...and how I REALLY FUCKING FEEL about them, about life, and about our situations. And allow myself to put a stop to whats happening between me and everyone else. I just don't know... I dont know what it is.
And when did I become THAT girl? thats whats making me sick of myself right now....when did I start to turn into the girl who I hated in high school. The one who HAS to be with someone. The one so afraid of being alone forever... and I think it would break my heart even more to realize that I am such a fool only screwing up my life...not making it better..., which is probably the right thing until I get my head straight...
Damn you Chris. I hate how you love me but then push me away. You tell me how you like me and you want me...but yet you show off your pictures of you and your girlfriend to me, and you tell me she and I should hang otu, that we are so alike....yeah....you're fucked up.
I know I'm not a rocket scientist devoted to making the world a better place, but god-almighty-damn I think that the majority of people in this world are just stupid. Stupid, lazy, indolent wretches who don't deserve the air they breathe.
How hard is it to be polite, or at least civil? How hard is it to just fucking be pleasant?COMMON FUCKING COURTESY, PEOPLE, IS NOT SO MUCH TO ASK.
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