| Current mood: |  drained |
| Current music: | Silentium: The Fall |
“Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.”
-Jim Bishop
Yesterday was great. Well, after the German lesson ended, that is. Talking, eating, watching a good movie, snuggling on the sofa, great friends... And just when things looked good for a change, bam and down you go that slippery slope. This morning I woke up 5.58 from my nightmares and couldn't fall back asleep, even though I was exhausted as hell. I've been having nightmares every friggin' night for over a week now, and it's really bringing me down.
I'm feeling really empty right now. Terhi is on a camp, Reetta and Harri at our father's place. I came from there a couple of hours ago. It was okay, or would have been, if I'd been able to feel something. But I just walked and brushed the cats and talked a couple of words without feeling anything at all. Hmm I bet I can't even feel any physical pain right now. Wait, let's test, no, I can see the scar and feel the pressure but it doesn't hurt. Kinda weird.
I Am the Bird, You Are the Cat
I am the bird who fell in love with your cat gaze and coolness. And in my foolish need to see more of you I was careless and came down too close to you. It took only one swiff of your paw to pin me to the ground. And so you started your vicious game with me.
Every time you play and toy with me, I get hurt. Your claws cut deep inside of me and scar my body and heart. Your attitude, your nails and your teeth, they all leave me bleeding and hurting. And when you get bored and turn away to play with something else for a change, I’m left on the ground, torn asunder, unable to take wing and leave.
But every time you toy with someone else, you hurt my soul. When I see you talking to someone else or just when I see someone else close to you, I get this terrible urge to scream. “No! Go away! Mine, this cat is all /mine/. Go away!”
I know I love you and I know you could never love me back. Although you never hurt me enough to kill me, it is only because you don’t want to loose your amusing little plaything. For no cat could ever fall in love with a bird.
I'll go to bed now. Must do schoolwork tomorrow.
Quote:“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.”
-Natalie Goldberg
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