old habits die hard, i thought i was through with this crap but i guess not, i don't know why its back...but i know it has to do with them. i mean if they could just stop and look back they would see that i have done well in my life for the most part...but thats not what they see they see only the here and now and all my flaws. i can't even get a break, thats all i want i just want time to sit and do nothing, they get it. why can't i? its not like everything won't get done eventually and often just when its supposed to be done or handed in or due or whatever. but no they have to threaten and yell and scream and that other thing, but if i try to be heard its like i am a bug just something to be squashed and crushed under a heel. its like they forget all the things the compliment me on. so my room is a mess, so i was watching the tv, so my friends are coming, everything will be done when it is meant to be done by and you know what all that yelling wouldn't have helped in the least. in fact it harms, it hurts, it brings pain and distrust...if you ever wonder why i don't trust, don't love, don't put my self out there these are the reasons why. no one likes a damaged product, its not worth anything...sometimes i wonder if they could just pretend that they can trust me to get the things done that i have to get done. i know what i can do and when its not like i just fly by the seat of my pants...i only wish that this helped more...took more of the pain away, but its safe for the most part. people only care about my feeling when they are bored right, its not like they really like to pay attention. i know i run my self down, but sometimes how can you not, when you are up they pull you down, and yet what would they do?? if i did what they said, left them behind, never talked to them again....never saw them...i know they would cry and be angry, but i don't think they would ever truly think that it had something to do with them, but rather that it was society, which it is as well, but there is so much more to everything so many different points of view that its impossible to see all of the angles, i wish i could tell them how fragile i am how right now my mind is like a bubble and they have burst it...now how do you fix that....can you even fix that??