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Sarai (dragonmage) wrote,
@ 2005-12-12 18:18:00
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    OK so today was ok until about five minutes ago. you see five minutes ago I realized that I am a rather mean person sometimes, not that I try to. But rather what I think is a joke or something fun, annoys or hurts people. and so now i am really rather down. life suxs, a lot. i really don't know what to say, i know what i want to do, cry and shit. but its just not coming out. right now i would really love to go and get some consoling from a friend, but im not sure if they are really my friends, have i offended them..?i was so happy and excited and now i am as low as i have been in a long long while. it hurts, physically hurts to know that no one tells me to truly shut up or to stop something. they laugh and joke and push it to the side, i like direct answers not the roundsbout means of possibly finding something out. i wish i could go back and repair the damage that i unknowingly did. but perhapse if i had known, if someone once took me aside and said to me that it wasn't fun...then maybe i could have saved a lot of people from being hurt by me. one person in particular doesn't tell me anything, only what is on the surface. another tells me things only when absolutely necessary. and yet another doesn't really tell anyone anything. so why does it all matter, its beyond me. i want to teach...i want to share knowledge and yet here i am unable to decern the actions that i make. its like everything is falling apart in front of my eyes. thursday two of my old friends come to visit and i have realized i no longer talk or hang out with the people that we were all friends with, i suddenly find myself trying to invent reasons that I can't go with them to this or that. but i want to spend time with them, but im afraid that it will be akward, which it will, but in a bigger sense than most things. there has never been a time when i have felt so totally in between worlds. its like i never fitted and never will. sometimes i wonder if i am really meant to be where i am, if i had only taken this turn or that would it all be different, would it all be better. if i had just stuck my head out of a book for time when they handed out the social qualities, maybe then i would have been able to find a place to live, learn and love. the other day i was thinking that if i went to ireland i would miss so much, but now i know that there is nothing much that i will miss because there is nothing much that is fit in with anymore. my italy friends are closer to me than anyone has ever been but now i am afraid that i have hurt them or that i don't really fit and they are just going through the motions. i wish and hope and pray and dream that this is all in my head, but then i look behind me at the path i have lead through life and see that it is strewn with heartbreak and turmoil. maybe there is something else for me, maybe ominuos ending to an akward day

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