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Lucifer (drache) wrote,
@ 2003-04-15 18:58:00
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    Current mood:Mega-depressed

    I hate my life.
    My mom just exploded on me today, especially when I gave her my report card today. I was trying my best. Trying... but I guess I wasn't good enough. I'm nothing anymore. I don't understand what I did wrong. Honestly... My mom just blew up at me. I was crying so hard... I couldn't stop... and my mom didn't care. She continued to yell at me. It hurts... and it will hurt me still. It will hurt me for a very long time. It's a permanent emotional scar on my heart. I'm a sensitive person in reality. That and I'm empathic. I understand how another feels... and I try my hardest to cheer them up. Often I'm a failure... *sighs.* And I am a failure irl. Fick... and I had nothing to eat all day, or anything to drink. I don't know how I managed this next choice:

    I left the house, giving my last 'goodbye' after I apologized a lot. I said to them that they didn't want me around, continue to shed tears and finally left. I walked for about what had seemed like a long time. I walked through main street, began to head back for home, but took another trip. Since my friend lives a lot of miles away from where I live, I decided that was my next destination. I had no place else to turn to. So I walked a lot in 85 degree weather, crossing the bridge and stuff... and crossing on the other side of traffic. I was so hoping to get run over, but unfortunately, I did not. Suicidal thoughts kept spinning within my head. So many... After walking for two/three/four miles or whatever, I eventually arrived at my friend's house. I know I was walking slow, almost hesitantly towards the house like a wounded dog. I was afraid nobody would be home, but I had a hunch Farfie-chan would be there. I didn't know where to go.

    I was greeted by her mom, and at the door, I tried my best not to burst out crying again, but I couldn't hold it. Farfie-chan's mom called her down and she was happy at first until she saw how awful I was and tried cheering me up. I wanted to hug her tightly... I wanted to hug somebody tight, but that shyness painfully restricted my actions. I told her what had happened. Every bit of it. Hehe. Farfie-chan said she was a bitch for it. :D It's true, too. Thanks again Farfie-chan and her mom. You helped me out a lot. Made me laugh, although laughing was too painful for me at the time, but thank you so much. I appreciate how much you've done for me.

    We started to watch Spaceballs, and it was all great until we were welcomed with a loud knock on the door. I heard my mom, gathered my depression again, but started to get angry. Crying only just a little bit and growling in annoyance, I peered out of the corner of my eye, gripping the ball of tissues that I tightly held in my palms. I didn't want to see her anymore. I wanted to kill her. I actually considered it... and stared long at the pair of scissors, but eh, I didn't. Again, I was restricted from such harsh actions.

    Eventually, we went home... Feh. This day sucked... and I read an entry from my community and almost panicked. I don't want to lose anyone, damnit. ._.;

    I love all my friends. I love you Farfie-chan, Nagi-chan, Kori-kun, Tom, Sabah, Alicia, and all those who have listened to me today. You mean a lot to me.



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