| Current mood: |  nostalgic |
| Current music: | She- Elvis Costello |
emptiness
I've been having the most amazing afternoon sleep these past two days. I guess the heat added to it, and i've been dreaming too. yesterday I dreamt of "6.3". we were going off for the weekend together to a place that was Hawaii in my dream but the name did not sound like Hawaii :-). Today I dreamt of "MOM" ie "6.3"'s mom. I always call her "MOM" while referring to her and I cannot think of her by any other name. I dreamt that we had a heart to heart talk and I told her i wanted to come home. I hugged her and cried a lot. she was so understanding. I miss you MOM ! I'll never be able to call anyone else by that name. In my dream I spoke to "UNCLE" too, and the way he spoke to me was like nothing had changed. Oh i miss them so. I wish i knew what to do. I miss the conversation with "6.3", his jokes and understanding of mine, his vast store of knowledge on almost everything under the sun, i miss him calling me Batcha and i miss the " I'm short...I'm fat...I'm phussss hahahah" . Somehow I do not feel the same with my other friends too. Maybe it's because we've always been in a group together and now either I'm not there or "6.3" is not there. there are so many unspoken things. we all know it, "small", "huge", myself...........
It feels weird going to mumbai now. It was like going home once upon a time and now I cannot go there without a feeling of emptiness. I know "huge" home is like my own home too, but it was my second home, and going there without "6.3" is not a nice feeling. a lot of memories is attached to "huge"'s house as well. the numerous dinners we had there, the diwali celebrations, the chatting while lazing out on "huge"'s room, the time when we missed going to Matheran becasue i did not sleep the whole night. I miss the aam rass and thepla and long night rides back to 1605/06 with music playing in the background, "huge" in his own world, "small" in her own world, "6.3" and myself in ours. I miss having both of them standing and waiting patiently at the station at all odd times of the day or night as i journey from various corner of the country. I want to go to 1605/06, see the view from the window, cook in the kitchen, sit in "our" bedroom and look out into the night as the lights of mumbai come on.
Why am I living in the past?????? should'nt I moved on....after all, I brought this myself, right? Mumbia will never be home again..........
I wish I had been a little more rationale, a little less impetus, a little more thoughtful......
I'm wiser now.....but at a price.
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