| Current mood: |  melancholy |
| Current music: | The Raconteurs... one of the best debut cds I've ever heard |
Desiring a change - for the better
I just finished eating my last fun size Milky Way bar, which made me utterly sad. Not because of the disappearance of the chocolate, but because this afternoon, I was sitting, talking to my mom, and eating them. For some reason, the little chocolate bar reminded me of my mom. And now it's gone.
It's kind of pathetic, I know. I just feel bad, because this weekend home was supposed to be different than other weekends. Usually, I'm with Doug. I love that, but this weekend, I wanted to spend time with my parents. My mom especially, because I know she's going to be going through a rough couple of weeks. Dad is working 7-7 shifts, and when he gets home he usually falls asleep quickly. I don't blame him, those hours are rough. But since Andrew's usually out with Jamie or on the computer/phone, I think she's going to be really lonely lately. And it makes me sad. To the point where I think about it and tear up.
However, this weekend didn't quite work how I had hoped it would. Which was my own fault. I offered to work this weekend, and ended up spending 20 hours at Happy Land. Which meant little time at home. Not to mention the fact that I left the house this morning an hour and a half early for work, so that I could meet Doug for breakfast. I guess I just can't spend time away from that boy :)
Anyways, I find myself missing my mom, even though I saw her not 3 hours ago. I wish I could call her up and say hi, let her know that I worry about her. But after that, I wouldn't have much to say. Mostly, I just want to spend time with her...
I also find myself looking for a personal change... I've been working on self improvements lately, and since I'm alsready working on it all, I wish I could just get myself to be a little more intellectual. I wish I could spell the great words I want to use - I wish I knew precisely what they meant. I wish I was more fluent in subjects that interest me. I wish I could retain knowledge better. I wish I knew how to explain myself better, so that when I have an idea, I can convey it to other people without stammering quite so much. I wish that, instead of listening to other people talk about their ideas, opinions, interests, I had the courage to speak up and offer my own... that I wouldn't be so afraid that they'd see it as silly, poke holes all through it, and then disregard it.
Until I can be more outspoken about it, I'll just be content with quite and introspective... And I think that's ok with me, for now anyways.
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