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anna
i dont even know where to begin with anna leeds. we're best friends. have been for about 2 years now, although we've known each other since i moved here. shes beautiful. shes gorgeous. shes the most amazing girl i know. shes exactly 7 days older than me, she was born Sept. 3rd and i was born Sept. 10th. both in '85 :D
i have never kept anything from her in our years' worth of friendship. except one thing. i am completely, totally, hopelessly, foolishly, madly in love with her. she knows i'm bisexual. hell, every1 knows i am bisexual except my family. what i dont think is that she knows the extent to which i am. but i am so in love with her. she's the first thing i think of when i wake up. the last thing i think of when i go to bed. i daydream about her, i am so attracted to her in every way possible. i would honestly die for her. i would do anything for her happiness, even if it means have her be happy without me. she totally owns my heart and i could go on the best date in the entire world and it still wouldnt even begin to compare to just sitting on the street for 5 mins with anna.
i dont know how i came to feel this way for her. i had always been attracted, we had always slightly flirted. i secretly kept longing to take it farther, to be more than just best friends. however i am a total wimp and have no idea how she would react. one day i was sitting, as lame as this sounds, crying in my room because anna was seriously considering getting back together with this guy jeff...he was her "first love" and they were together for eight months last year. she kept talking about how she liked this person, but she wasn't sure. she had deep feelings as much as she hated to admit it for this person, but wasn't sure about theirs. so on and so forth. during the conversation i actually, pathetically, got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe she was talking about me and this was her way of telling me or hinting at it. when she finally admitted it was ex-boyfriend jeff (who treated her like shit, hit her once...the cause of their break-up, and played with her head like madd) i cried and cried in my room after we got off the phone.
well it turns out they never got back together. anna is since over jeff and single, sort of just dating around. this guy that she's going out with tomorrow (read my last entry) is her first "thing" after jeff (even tho they broke up about six months ago). she says she doesn't like dean "like that" and that he's conceited and arrogant and a player but likes the attention and having a companion. dean likes her a lot, that much is obvious, and they occasionally get to the point of hardcore making out. but they're not going out or anything however they *are* spending all of tomorrow together going on a trip to indiana beach/dunes. so i dont know. as much as it would break my heart if they went out and it would kill me to see her loving him and looking at him and kissing him, i ultimately want her to be happy and if i can't be the one to make her the happiest, if dean could make her happier and make her smile bigger and laugh longer, then i say go for it. all my love.
i am also very confused by her sexuality. she has never outright said one label (straight, bi, homo, etc) or another. she *used* to be really homophobic like commenting on the tiniest things nobody else even noticed. she's since slowly and slowly been talking more and more about dating girls and making out with girls and stuff. she jokes constantly, no joke, CONSTANTLY about being a lesbian and that she's sick of men. i understand a few jokes here and there are fine, but like every conversation, every five minutes. honestly. i'd broach the subject, but i don't want to freak her out. i'd ask her about her orientation outright, but it's taken her forever to get *this* comfortable being "almost-gay", i dont want her to run scared back into her shell. she's the most beautiful girl i know and i love her so much, i would be the best ever to her, i would never, ever hurt her, i would drop everything and anything if she needed anything at all, i would give my life for her...that's how intense it is and i have to bite my tongue from saying all this almost every time we talk. i have no idea whatsoever how she would react and im going with a 6/4 ratio on she'd-freak-and-not-want-to-even-be-friends-anymore/she'd-admit-she-wants-to-give-it-a-try ratio. i dont want our friendship to be over and if it wasnt but i told her, i wouldnt want there to be this crazy awkwardness, like a big elephant in the room with us whenever we would go 2 hang out.
it's like this horrible torture because i love her so much. i would be happy for the rest of my life if she was mine. but i doubt that'd ever happen so all i have are my daydreams. but it's also like this sweet, wonderful piece of my life that i cherish because i live for her. she's the only one i wake up breathing for. i love you, anna leeds. maybe 1 day i will actually get enuf courage to show you this.
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