|Current music:||Dir En Grey|
The world inside my dreams....
Well, so far everytime I have updated the computer did not log it onto my journal. Do ot ask me why because i am not sure why, but here i am trying again to see if it works. I have been exceptionaly busey lately with working my ass off and spending a lot of time with Becca. She has had a rough go of it for a few weeks with things and I am supporting her through it. I am also going to work myself like a dog so I can get my shit together. I am also going to invest in a loan and get a car that is all mine and mine somme more since certain situations led the ability of my previous car slightly null-en-void. It isn't anyone's fault...life just happens ya know? ~shruggs~. I went down to the river with Becca at 5 A.M. and threw a box of personal items into the river a few nights ago. It was something that did not really mean anything to me anymore and all it was...was this extra baggage to carry around that I needed to let go of and move on. That chapter in my life has came to pass and my path is leading me somewhere else and deffinatly without that person. It doesn't hurt anymore... the only thing that hurts me anymore is that I seem to make miserable mistakes and choose all of the wrong people.(ie: not talking about friends ) It is a learning process and I am willing to learn and get it right this time. Dreams plague me about it all of the time... people from my past conversing with me as if we have a close relationship and all in all I do not feel confortable around these people period. I think I have lost my touch somewhere along the lines. I have the incompacity to function around certain situations anymore. I am very pleased and confortable with where my life is going right now.. but there are some things that are still a mystery to me.. like the affection for someone significant in my life. I am great with friends... I give them all the love and attention t hey need and they as well, but when it comes to something in a most particular way with a male, I seem to shut myself out again... and I am not sure why this time now. It is more of a puzzlement to me.. watching people interact with me.. holding hands and speaking to one another with blissfull words... lately I have been trying to figure it out...I am not sure why it has become a puzzle to me. I get nervous around people more than ever now...strange but perplexing and perhaps I am meant to go through this for some reason of greater learning. Am I shook over it ? No not really, just sometimes frustrated. I know what the main problem is...I tend to not let people in .."in that sort of way " if you know what I mean. I am not sure why I am writing all of this out.. I suppose it just feels good...to write about it without feeling ashamed of it...and my dreams have been full of the most interesting an annoying senarios. Seriously I wish someone could help me out with them because they confuse me. Last night Lonnie grabed me by the hand and I was astranged by it. A male was holding my hand and it felt good to not want to rip off his hand because he was male... I held onto it for awhile, but I had to let go. I did not want to give him the wrong impression. He is my friend and I am very glad for it, but I do not feel for him in such a manner. I think I am growing more understanding of the male creature. Don't confuse me.. most of them terrify me in soome kind of way, but there are few who make me happy just to know they are around and they teach me that not all are going to hurt me. i am not afraid of emotional hurt by them I am afraid of pysical hurt by them. It's happened enough and it makes me uneasy, but I know now there are wonderful and beautiful creatures out there who would never hurt anyone in such a way and I understand this. I have faith that there are good men out there who understand me... who understand those who have been jaded by the fact and will help us learn that we do not have to be afraid. I never used to have this faith until 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong... I have my days where I want to feel anger once again, but they pass quickly. I can endure a lot... and I can't even put a candle to some of those around me and they teach me what true horror is and what the meaning of life is and how beautiful it really can be. All hope is not lost an there is so much out there that is worth living and touching. Becca taught me a most important lesson. You have to live to love and love to learn. She is a very strong individual who has seen things I can't even touch and she still has such a lust for life. She is very wise and she teaches me something new everyday and helps me remember things I forgot. She keeps me on my toes most of the time and makes sure I am taking care of myself. She is always making sure I am keeping up with getting ready for college and going to work everyday. Also trying to break the shyness I must overcome. I have some very wonderful people in my life and this is why i tell you these things because you both who read this journal are apart of that circle. I do not hide anything or lie to you both. Today I am going to start painting my room I think... or at least by tomarrow. It will be more confortable once I cover the bad joo joo my grandfather left there. I should just start swearing at him in japanese and maybe he will think it will be words of love lol. More and more I am terribly facinated with the asian culture... acctually more and more with the things around me. I always feel so happy to be in a bookstore just to look at all of the books and smell them. Hope one day I will read as many as I possibly can allow myself to. I am craving education of sorts and I want to learn so many new things. I think I will spend about 100 on paint to last me for a long time and just paint like a mad woman. I need to do that again and fill my spirit. Spirit... there is a symbol written in chinese that means spirit. I think that will be on my body very soon... it has so much meaning to me... the spirit.. the spirit of the one above.. the spirit people carry and endure... the universe in a whole. I love that word " Spirit." I will be doing a lot this year to make me feel spiritualy inclined. I think I am ready for this kind of movement. I need to search my soul and see what is on the inside. I need to read and I need to create my room into a beautiful place to be confortable. I am finally ready to start my path once more... and it feels very good. I will becme more of who I am and so let the journey begin.