|Current music:||Gary Numan ~ The Dawn CD.|
Today has been a rather crazy day. My mind has been running a million miles a second. Frustrated... need a job and AwT called to see how I have been doing and frankly I only had one job and that was luck. I havn't done a damn thing... because I am poor and need to get my head shots and comp cards. Soon I shall get them and get things rolling but shit always happens when I am trying to do something with myself. I got a little down today. I honestly soemtimes can't hold that wall up to keep my healing heart a sheild. Sometimes i am hurt very easily and break down when something bothers me. As hopeful that I thought I was in having a better life I realized I still have a long way to go. I get so frustrated because I want the hurt to go away and sometimes I have to accept it takes more time. I just don't like having my family see me so shaken because I want them to see my better side. Maybe it's the Scorpio in me.. so passionatly emotional about everything and impatient. I am trying to have patience ....sometimes I just want to run out into the middle of nowwhere and listen to the streams and the trees. It has been so long since I have spoken to nature and listened to it. It helps me remember what is important in life. I need some zen... a yin and yang to my maddness... and I need to accept the role that people play in my life and sometimes they are meant to be broken and leave... because I would not be as strong as I am if I did not suffer it. Life's lessons I am still trying to figure out and roll my eyes and say " ok.. ok... I get it ." Well Juliya made me smile today. She gave me words .. a breath of fresh air that made me know I am doing the best I can and that I do make a difference in the world. I am so greateful for her to be in my life. So greatful to have those that are still here with me and put up with my maddness... without them I would surely fail. Thank you and I love you with all my heart Juliya. You give me hope .