Create Journals
Update Journals

Find Users

Create New

Latest News
How to Use



Melissa (dedlikeapheonix) wrote,
@ 2012-06-30 20:06:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    I'm sorry to be typing this here... I'd rather it be on notebook paper... and above that.. I'm sorry I'm writing it at all.. and not just speaking. There are two components to that statement... one, I've never been very good at talking about my feelings, thoughts.. ones that matter, anyway... and two, I can't seem to stop kissing you when you're around. I'd like to... but... I'd like too.. it's a conflict. This is oddly strange to me.. As writing is my most favored way of communicating.. and I don't quite seem to remember how. You see, it's been a while since anyone's cared enough to read it... or maybe, since I've cared enough to write it. Either way, pardon my disorganization as I'm sure this is going to come out more disjointed than I intend. I am nervous about what I choose to tell you and the timing of such. My last several relationships have been.. in a word... jokes. I told them little.. and mostly just what I knew they wanted to hear. I suppose I should begin explaining that by describing my ability to read people. I have been gifted the mystical, magical power of observation and understanding. This is both a blessing and a burden. To say that I have not used it to my advantage, would be a lie. I have been guilty of setting up situations in which I know exactly where my target will walk and have intentionally led them to that end. Since giving up on my personal beliefs about the word, "love"... I have been rather abusive with my power. Picking and choosing victims for nothing much more than my own amusement. This is out of character for me. If there were Gods that govern the rules of "love" and the paths that they follow... I have spent the last few years paddling against the current while giving them the finger. In complete honesty, I have behaved this way because I have been angry with them for the way they allowed my story with John to end. I gave up on them and their.... ideals.. I accepted that I will never find someone so like me ever again... That there was no point in following my hearts desire to have a true partner. That no one would ever be able to keep up with me. All people will fall apart around me... as the chaos I radiate is entirely too much for the human mind to bare... and I will always be forced with the choice of when to let them go. /shrug. So why not play a little?

    But You...

    Gods, and then there's You. It's your energy. The way you hum... Your Resonance.
    Every single person on this planet resonates at a particular and unique frequency... Stretching across a spectrum of wavelengths. While my frequency is naturally somewhat chaotic, The last few years it has been... out of synch... so to speak... Compressed, Strangled by my struggle to retain self-control. There is so much uncertainty, here, for me. When I look inside myself and try to place.. the displacement... my mind draws a blank... and I'm left to ponder the word, "fear". I am afraid to be myself... To operate at the level "I" naturally hum at. I say this in the present tense, though, I have and can feel it changing. That's where your energy comes into play... You Make Me Feel Grounded. Not like I'm not still soaring, please do not misunderstand... But as if I have a tether to my medium, my oneness, my self.

    Now, this is where questions arise. Questions like, what do I know that makes me consider what I just wrote to be a "rational" statement? What version of Pandora's Box have you just cracked open? You may even be saying a small prayer yourself. I'd suggest you take a moment to do so.... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

    Because what you're reading is only going to get stranger from here. I mean that in both present and future tenses.

    I would like to start by saying that everything I am about to write could be entirely wrong. It is not based on any sort of recognized science, I simply have made many observations in my life and cognitive patterns appear to me. I would like to state, as a disclaimer of sorts, in an effort to avoid complete humiliation, that I have been pronounced to be Mentally-Ill by doctors who have supposedly studied such things. It is possible that the things I see are born of some sort of delusion that has run rampant in my mind far longer than I can remember. That being said, it is up to you to correct any flaws in what I've seen. A hint at what I'm discussing could be demonstrated in stating that; I believe that you will respond to this with respect and honesty.... I can trust that you will not manipulate this in an attempt to control me.

    Last night, I observed several things. I do not believe you to be someone who is afraid to see themselves from different perspectives... So I will remain as honest to my thoughts on this as possible. I'd say i mean no offense.. But I feel that it is necessary to watch you react to this. Sorry. I heard you when you told me you were worried about me leaving for the weekend. I heard you when you said you have jealousy issues.. I knew that you would be uncomfortable while I was at Anthony's. I assume it has something to do with the way I talked about him. The way I drew parallels to the two of you. I suppose it's a competitive thing. I'm guessing you have many competitive traits. You didn't "like" the picture of the can. You didn't comment on it.. and when I asked if you saw it.. you gave a shallow response. As if you were saying, "yeah.. so... he's got a metal can... how is that impressive?" I understand that you were busy.. But pairing all that with today's admission of, "I have a temper".... A view is painted of you as someone who gets very upset when other people "touch your stuff".... Not saying that you think of me as property... But, I can see the beginning of what would grow to be something of an ownership situation. Which is where things get complicated. Obviously, I can not be owned... Possessed.. I am too free a thing, by nature. You like that about me... I know you do.. because I like that in you, as well... You're not looking for someone you have to teach fidelity to. Your looking for someone who values that claim. You are also very cautious about walking down that path with me.. As you seem to be aware of the dangers that could be posed between my spontaneity and your temper.

    The last time I wrote you, it was to elaborate on where I stand and to touch briefly on how I feel about you. Briefly, because suggesting we become best friends... Says more than I'm actually ready to say. I told you I would let you know when I have those words... But I don't think I need them, do I? You know just as well as I do, how well this could work. Pending, death or betrayal... of course. I like that you aren't afraid of me. You are curious. Incredibly, curious about me. How long have you been watching me? You want to know about my past relationships... Well, at least we're both going to be upfront about what you're digging for. While you might not be afraid of me... You are afraid that you're in love with me. 11:11 You may as well get over that. Usually, when a person tells me they're in love with me... I tell them I'm sorry, because they obviously do not know love. But this, this is fair. I can love you back the way you love me. We have... Complimentary souls.

    Just got off the phone with you... You asked what I think about what happened with your relationships... You wanted to know who I thought was at fault. Really? I think what you wanted to hear was whether or not I mate for life. I'm uncomfortable discussing that with you. I don't want you to know that I want to be with you forever, just yet. Like just thinking it is going to jinx it. You wanted to know about the people I'm around... What they're like... I could hear the strain in your voice as you tried to not sound possessive. It's like killing you that I'm out here doing God knows what, isn't it? You would prefer knowing I'm "safe"... But you're aware that's damn near impossible... So I guess you're communicating that if I'm in any immediate danger of getting shot or fucked, I should let you know? ...and then you'll do what, Super Hero? (depends on the situation)

(Read comments)

Post a comment in response:

Username:  Password: 
No HTML allowed in subject

No Image

 Don't auto-format:
Enter the security code below.

Notice! This user has turned on the option that logs your IP address when posting.

Allowed HTML: <a> <abbr> <acronym> <address> <area> <b> <bdo> <big> <blockquote> <br> <caption> <center> <cite> <code> <col> <colgroup> <dd> <dd> <del> <dfn> <div> <dl> <dt> <dt> <em> <font> <h1> <h2> <h3> <h4> <h5> <h6> <hr> <i> <img> <ins> <kbd> <li> <li> <map> <marquee> <ol> <p> <pre> <q> <s> <samp> <small> <span> <strike> <strong> <sub> <sup> <table> <tbody> <td> <tfoot> <th> <thead> <tr> <tt> <u> <ul> <var> <xmp>
© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.