| Current mood: |  pessimistic |
| Current music: | Crazy Town*drowning |
reflecting...what joy
My night when from bad to worse.
First off Sarah and her friends where like,"so.how's Joel?" (and no,they didn't mean what i know u think they mean) and i was like "how should i know" and they were like,"..oh"
Then later when we were dancing Malary said "aren't u hot?" "no,i'm fine" "ur sweating" so after a little bit of fighting she tugs my hoodie off and stares at my arms.I go get a drink and she walks over to me an starts yelling at me "what the fuck?!" "...." "how long have u been doing that?are u crazy?!" "..." "would u say something?i mean,my god!" "they're old" "does Joel..i mean,does he know about em?or did he do that?!" "no,he'd never.i dunno,i think he saw em once.." "did he say anything?how old are they,why..?" "no he didn't,old,few years.lots of things.." "i'm sry..but.." so i tell her and she was crying and holding me and shit (i don't like when people do that..)."did he hurt u other than those..i mean" "yeah.." so i show her my other scars,chemical burns,etc. and then she looks at my waist (so sue me,i was wearing hip hugger things) "did he.." "yeah,thank God he's a dumbass in anatomy" "what do u mean?" "if he stabed me a mil. more to the left or the right..i'd be infurtile" and she cries more and hugs me more.
I start my Moruge practice thing tonight (grave yard shift) but it should be fun,Chase'll be there.I'll probably get no work done cuz knowing him he'll be like "lookie,lookie!" and making me laugh and stuff.
And now I'm sitting here,in my window again,trying not to think,but I am.I swear I short curcited my brain earlier today with mid terms.But not bad enough to stop thinking about when I was younger and before I met Joel.Damn that fact that I can't forget the things that I really want to forget.I just don't get it;Joel can have any girl he wants,and I mean any.But he's with me,a nobody.An everyday I look in the mirror and think bout how much shit I've been through,how many times I almost died,wish I had,but didn't. And then there's Joel :happily sighs: but I'm just waiting for the day that he finally realizes what I am and leaves me.Don't get me wrong,I love him more than words,it's just..I guess it's because I have never been loved before,and now that I am,it's scaring me.Because I'm waiting for it to be taken from me..I dunno..
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