|Current music:||Evanescence - Like You|
My name is Ali. I have engaged in SI since I was around 11 years old. I stopped for a few years and then about a year ago I started again. It just got too stressful...there was too much going on and I had to relieve some pressure.
I am 22 years old...and I got married a year and a half ago. He was the whole reason I quit in the first place...I didn't want him to know. It took some time but eventually...I had successfully quit. That lasted for about 3 years. One day about a year ago, I had this immediate urge to cut. I did cut that day...and I have been doing it ever since. I have been a lot better about controlling it and I only cut about once a week now...sometimes less. My husband still hasn't noticed that I have been cutting. I have been careful about hiding them or making them look like accidents. I feel like I can't do it anymore, though. Sooner or later...he will catch on. I mean...I'm literally surprised that he hasn't yet. I have even talked with him about it recently...about the fact that I used to cut and I still think about it...blah blah blah. LIES. Because I still DO IT. The sick thing is...sometimes...I just don't want to stop. It is something that I cherish. I feel like it is part of me. I might not need it...but I want it. Nothing can compare to it. I have other "coping mechanisms". I write. I play music. Yes...they help me through as well...but it's not the same. It's like...I go through the others first...and then if I still need it...I allow myself to cut. Luckily...those first few things often help me feel better before I resort to SI.
I cut today and honestly...it wasn't necessary. A lot of shit has been going on lately...but I felt ok today. Maybe it was in preparation for going to see my mom tonight. She is in the Psych Unit at our hospital for trying to commit suicide 5 days ago. This will be the first time I've seen her since then. I don't know what to say to her. Blah.
I just found out that my niece cuts. She's 13. I just want to help her...I want her know that she can control it and eventually overcome it. I just want her to understand it.
Yeah...sorry about the rant-like nature of this introduction. I needed it. :) Thanks.