Jocelyn (stayhere_love) wrote in cutmeintopieces, @ 2008-11-18 21:04:00

new
so i'm new. my names jocelyn.

i haven't cut for 6 months, and then last night i did it. it wasnt cuts that i used to do last year. they weren't as deep, but i made a lot more. the scars are still healing from last time.
i went to my psychologist or whatever (the one who perscribes the meds) and we talked about my regular depression and anxiety. and then i told him how i am more depressed than ever in the winter and never feel like going anywhere, and im always tired all of the time, and that i sleep way more than i should. he diagnosed me with seasonal attentive disorder. its pretty much seasonal depression.


so pretty much all of this week and last week i have been thinking about how it isnt fair. and i know that life isnt fair and it never will be, but i am just acting like a baby. i dont think its fair how i am depressed all of the time. i'm depressed even when nothing depressing happens! it makes me different, and i know different is good but i dont like being different like this. i guess i just need to rant.

so last night i was in my room, and i was so depressed and i have this thing where i cant cry, no matter how hard i try. and bleeding is like my crying i guess. so i dug into the back of my dresser drawer and pulled out the towel that holds my razors wrapped up. and i just began cutting. soon it was like i just needed to see blood, so i cut more and more. i'm afraid that i'm going to start back up again doing it all the time. i have 60 cuts on my leg. and thats just from one night.

why cant i tell all of this to my therapist? because i feel like i let her down..

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