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satisfaction through your intoxication (curseconcrete) wrote,
@ 2005-02-14 00:50:00
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    Current mood:determined
    Current music:Hot Water Music - 3 Summers Strong

    What A Crazy Year
    Hello old friend! Where the hell have you been? It's been awhile but by the everlasting encouragement of my better half, I decided to start writing in this thing again. Maybe it's for nostalgia, maybe it's for piece of mind, maybe it's because I have a lot to say and nowhere else to vent, maybe it's because things in my life are going right for once, and I feel that this will not be a negative space but hopefully a positve one. A space where I can be me and not have to worry about being judged or cutdown for who I am and what I believe in. I want to write about my goodtimes and badtimes. Most importantly I am my own god here I make the rules, if the grammar sucks i'm sorry but you can suck it. I have a way about me, sometimes I like the rough stuff, I like the mistakes it keeps it real, it keeps it non polished and packaged. So yeah where to begin let's start back in March of 2004. What a day who would have thought that when I woke up at 7 am that day to hop a flight to NYC then have a friend drive me from NYC to Danbury CT. I would be in the position that I am today. New, fresh, alive, cleansed, happy, that is the only way I want to know from now on. Being a scumbag and a dirty individual ( with the ladies ) does not impress me anymore infact the thought of it who I was fucking disgusts me. On that day all of that changed we passed notes like 2 giddy 7th graders. We had pits in our stomaches because we never knew what the next one would entail. We laughed I told dumb jokes ( it's a defense sort of ) she laughed at them and not me ( well maybe me too ) We couldn't leave eachother's side all night. It was like somebody knew and convienently placed us in the same room at the exact same moment and pushed each of us towards each other. It was like movie type shit. I jumped back on the horse and that baby started bucking but I held on to a certain point. One month later that same person brought back every horrible aching memory of my tragic past. Every single little thing came crashing to the front of my brain and I was reminded why I never wanted this ever again. Just when you think you have it all you lose it twice as fast. I reverted to my only safety net, I shutdown I copped out, I acted like the coward that I am. I placed blame on nobody but her. Yeah it sucked what happened but I now know for better reasons why it happened. It made us stronger, we grew up, we grew our own ways of trying to better ourselves. It was like that same person that put us together stepped in again and said hey you 2 need this, it sucks I know but trust me it's for the best right now. In that whole time apart ( 4 months ) I reverted to my old scumbag ways on one evening. It was a test I believe not a test to see if I could do it, but a test to see how I would feel after. I'll be godamned if that wasn't the best test ever given to me it's like I came out of that situation and it all clicked it all made sense I had new views and ideals. Things caught my attention and simply made no fucking sense to me anymore. Friends, Shows, Activities, none of this shit seemed to fucking matter to me anymore. It made me sick to my stomache and that's how I knew things were going to be a lot different with Chris in the coming months. Partying everynight became a thing of the past, random hookups became a thing of the past, love for my job became a thing of the past, certain people in my life became a thing of the past. It all boiled down to one person, one person was all I could think about. Ironically it was that same person that tore my shit out and stomped on it infront of me. I tried to call, I picked up the phone dialed and hung up, or I got really drunk one night and attempted to have a conversation, it was a cry for help. It was me reaching out and saying hey I'm the fuck up, I'm the stupid one. To no avail though because when I sobered up or thought about picking up the phone again I just thought of how I didn't want to start the whole vicious cycle up again, I didn't want the possibilty of being hurt again to enter my life. So I let it go. 23,000 people later that same person that brought us together in CT. was watching and that person knew that both of us were still searching for each other. Even if it was never said that person knew! 23,000 people and who do I randomly run into. Yes tears fell, kisses were had, hands were held, and someone was driven to the airport only to say goodbye again. so 23,000 people and almost a year later here I am, in Ann Arbor Michigan writing this from a hotel room where I am stealing wireless internet. I have to get up every other minute and go to the window to get a signal again, it's very tedious but every bit worth it. I am having what is I believe the most defining weekend of my life ( thusfar ) So with that I say Happy Valentines baby, I love you, I thank you for never giving up on me, when it seems that's all I do is give up on you. It's not giving up though, it's me being scared and being a coward and I want to show you that you make me believe in this more and more with everyday that I see your beautiful face and gorgeous baby blues. Let's fucking do this already because I want it more then ever and I know you do too. Happy Valentines Day Brooke, Forever and Counting Baby!!!!!!!!!!

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