 |
|||||||||||||
 |
|
 |
|||||||||||
 |
 |
||||||||||||
I guess I'm starting this to get my feelings down. Who knows, perhaps one day this will be published as my auto biography I doubt it, but I can hope. Hope...I guess thats what my life has been about. I guess here I should give a small recap of what has happened before you tuned in. I've decied to retell things as I learned about them and thus they may not be in the correct order. Well here goes... I was born Michael John Winkler on the blizzardly night of January 30th. 1981. My grandparents where overjoyed as I was the first child of their children. I am told that my mothers parents tried to have a male child and failed several times one being stillborn. My fathers parents were overjoyed as from being from a proud Austrain family having a strong male heir ment alot to them. My birth brought great joy to many, but even when I was a tinny child I could still *feel* that their was some underlying tension sourounding my birth. My early childhood was rather unremarkable, however all of my familes friends recall feeling something unique about me, as if they could tell something was different about me. One day before I truly remember much of school, I was sent to my male babysitter's apartment. I remember really liking his room because of all the toys in it I remember being happy. It was there he molested me...He made me do things that even 16 years later I cannot talk about it without choking up. He was caught and given a laughable sentance. After this experence I learned a few things.... 1. No one could not protect me from anything. 2. If I wanted to ever feel safe I would have to make myself stronger smarter and much wiser. 3. Trust is for people who don't know any better. 4. My mother did not like being reminded of failure on her part. I relised this because she told me "If you push all those feelings deep down they will go away. now dry your eyes and go play." I guess the next major event in my life was the birth of my sister. Around the time she was born I was shipped off to live with my aunt who did her best to make me feel comfortable. The whole time however I felt disconnected and alone. I would later learn that it was because they did not want to be around me. Seeing as they did not approve of my father and could see that his morals were very much like my own. My Sister Ann-Marie Hildaguard Winkler was born a quiet november day in 1985. Again my collective family was overjoyed and celebrated a new member of the family. For those of you who are without a younger sibling it is hard to describe the feeling you get when you first meet your sibling...It's a connection like no other, a link formed in blood a hardcoded genetic link that is impossible to break. Watching he in her crib it was a look I couldn't find even in my own eyes. A look of innocence I lack the words in english to properly describe the emotion a sense of higher purpose, I knew I had to protect her, because no one else I knew could. I guess the next truly BIG thing that happened in my life was when we moved for the first time I could remember. It was an exciting time, but also kinda sad. I knew I would be leaving behind most of my friends, but the thrill of adventure easily overpowered that. What made me so sad was losing the park I played in. It was special somehow to me...as if the park was part of something greater something that I just couldnt understand yet. I would later learn that the park I played in as a child was a node and had been subtly trying to show its true nature to me. The next major event that I remember with any clarity was the death of my fathers father. I went to school as normal and was having a wonderful happy, snowfilled day. I've always loved the snow, but anyway, Thats when one of my families friends told me and my friends to rush back to my house as my mother was looking for me. When I got home I was told that my grandfather was badly hurt and that we had to hurry to where my grandfather lived. When we arrived I was not allowed to see him due to hospital rules. My grandfathers friends babysat my sister and I while my mother and father tended to my grandfather. The friends where Oscar and Elizabith while up there they made me feel at home and gave me a special gift that even today I thank them for, the gift was a love for nature and the natural world. My grandfather held out for a increadable amount of time before he finally died. I think it's important to talk a little bit about my grandfather before moving on. He was everything I wanted to be. He was a hunter, a fisherman, a famer and a metal worker, he knew had to do just about everything/ He was also a man who loved his life and life in general. He lived his life with a honer and distinction that is all but lost in this modern age. I am also firmly convinced that like his grandchild had an inate magic that he had a fairly evolved control over. I never knew his wife/my grandmother but I was told she was like this as well. Even to this day when the night is darkest I can feel his subtle guiding hand guiding me twords my future, whatever that might hold. My first funeral was unusual for me. I got to meet all kinds of people I had only heard stories about before. They all came to morn the loss of Konrad Winkler. With all of this however I was more alerted to the change in my mother. She had become darker...hate and lothing had replaced the smile she usually wore. It was then I started to realize something. The smile was just a mask, THIS was the real her. This is around the time when my mothers abuse begins. Not one day went by where she would not remind me of my inadaquicy and my inability to stop her reign of terror. Their wasn't a day were I didn't want her to leave this house and never return. I wont go into details, frankly you don't want to know them. Take it from me, this begins my time in a very private very personal hell. For grade six I moved to a different school. I did this as a personal choice. I wanted to get away from that school it seemed darkness followed later I would learn that the darkness I felt was christanity. At the new school I would spend almost half my time in gifted classes and the other half with people that I didn't want to get to know. In retrospect I think it was those times in gifted that kept me sane. In those years was my first brush with what I would call darkness. I started to see a girl who was slightly older then I was. Her name was Sasha and she was a vampire. Now I know what your thinking, vampires don't exist, thats it's a psycological condition. Thats a lie put into the world because socity couldn't deal with the concept that man has a natural preditor. Well deal with it, I don't have time to hand hold you, I have a story to finish. Sasha is, was, and will be the person responsable for opening my eyes. Even though what she really wanted was a lover that would be like she was. The night I was to be initated into her little group she took me to a old house. The elders in her group had bought it to serve as a place to bring darkness into the world. A place to make more like them. What happened however was far from what they expected. When the ritual began. It seemed as though the world went black, and I was in a place that seemed like I had been there before. It was the quiet place in my mind before me stood a thing that I can only describe as a demon, I was green and reaked of plagure and the infernal. It was saying to me that it was in control now, and that it was going to do the things that I couldnt do, like kill my mother, kill everyone that ever caused the slightist bit of harm. I couldn't let that happen I wouldn't let that happen. Thats when a door in my mind opened and out came a part of myself that had remained hidden silently watching. It looked like a western dragon, an obsidian dragon. He told the demon that I was his charge, that WE where the only ones to live in this body. The dragon slaughtered the demon effortlessly then said to me that he was going to take over for just a little, just long enough to set things right then if I wanted go back into the quiet place and never bother him again if that was what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to stay with me. I knew he was apart of me, an important part. I awoke in the ritual room, or rather what was left of it. Sasha told me that I started to speak in a language that no one there knew. I then procceded to destroy the room using a strength that none of the vampires could. They tried to their version of magic to restrain me but their magics wouldnt stick to me. I kept shruging them off like they were nothing. Sasha didn't know what to do with me, it was obvious that I could never be what she wanted. She sent me to meet a man. A man that little did I know would shape my existance forever. He name was Kiri-sensei of the house archanix and my mentor. I am honerbound not to reveal exact specfics of my training. As my mentor said "If we do not choose who learns magik we could find ourselves in a place where the wrong people learn it." but anyway I can say some stuff. First he taught me how to be happy, how to find joy, how to find the fun...and he taught me fear. I became like a member of his family and his daughter like another sister to me. When the time came he also hepled me find love. Her name was Sera and I loved her more then anyone before. She became my purpose in life, she was my natural conclusion to my every happy thought. When things started to get seroius between us she introduced me to her father. A man I hope I never have to see again. Why you ask? simple, he decied that because I was white and I wasnt right for his Japanise daughter. We broke up, and a little piece of me died. I didn't speak unless I had to or eat for at leist a week. Thats what happens with me, when I'm in pain I shut down. I fell hard, but I rose again. Two years later on a day that before I knew was a very happy one, my mentor died. Donna (his daughter) was a wreck but I managed to keep it together and keep her going. She now lives with a family that was a friend of her fathers, I still see her sometimes, I just wish I could see her more. After that was when I started to see alot of women, and I mean alot. I dated so many women from this one highschool they school actually started a support group. I just felt there was something missing, and I went to find it. My mother, was officaly classed as crazy shortly after. I truly hoped she would get help, but she didn't. She lived with us for a while longer making sure my life was hell. she would tell me "Your never going to amount to anything, you are a failure but you might as well be a failure with a clean room now goto your room. " This was the begining of the end for her because she made a tatical error, she got caught having an affair. My highschool carrier was less then fun to say the leist, I made good friends that I still talk to and enemies I will never forget. I was the only out Wiccan in a whitewashed christian school. Near the end of my carrier it was a daily ritual to be called down to the princapals office to listen to her belittle my life choices. I was in New York at the time and did something that I guess I had been waiting for, the dragon and I sat and talked. We worked everything out, and in a strange way became one soul, so whenever I talk about the dragon from here on I will refer to the dragon as myself. It was at that time when my father conforunted her. She tried to kill herself. I wish she had succeded but she didn't. When I got home I felt like a million bucks and then I learned what happened. It was then I learned that whenever I am happy something bad happenes to the people around me. I don't think my sister ever recovered, I failed her, I failed. The end result was my mother left this house my mothers family blamed us for everything (and my being a Wiccan didn't help either) I have broken off contact with that side of the family, and have never been happier. After that was when I started at my private collage, to those who havn't gone to one I highly reccomend it. It's the first time I felt like I belonged in a school. I loved it so much I took extra classes, no many I finished in a year. My graduation was something I will never forget. It was everything I could hope for. Now I live at home, searching for a job. I'm a goth, a Wiccan, a man with a dragon's heart. I'm also ready. I'm ready to tell the rest of my tale. Post a comment in response: |
| © 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved. |