| Current mood: |  peaceful |
Where I am at.
Today in TYC, we did an emotionally draining and challenging exercise called Actor's Audience Experience. There is an audience, 4 chairs in front of the audience facing away from the actor's backs, and of course...2 actors, on stage, facing the audience...completely making themselves immensely vulnerable, opening their hearts to you...revealing secrets they've never revealed before. But, before one can get there, there is a series of exercises one must do with a partner while looking into each other's eyes, and identifying...with nothing but the back of their hand...where they hold a certain emotion;sorrow, joy, anger, etc. Then, the last of that series ends with revealing your heart to the other person, opening yourself and shedding all your "armor." Letting everything come off of you to feel safe enough to let the other person to be able to look into your heart and KNOW what you're feeling, to SHARE what you are feeling...whether its frustration, anger, or most predominantly...sadness. Revealing why your heart weeps to the other person, while they might weep with you, or for you...but letting you know that they are there for you, and you knowing that you are there for each other. Afterwords...I was in a very unbalanced and uneven emotional state that settled me into an unstable, very confused state. Mainly, I didn't let go...I held onto my emotion and as it pulled away and I hung on..and resisted...until we dropped eye contact and I felt safer to let go without having to feel judged while I was breaking down my walls. But, it was far from over. Most people were in an emotional upheaval after that...and it wasn't going to get any easier. Since the day started off with a high level of emotional anxiety, and deep-seeded emotional stress...it was the right time to engage in the Actors Audience Experience. So, as I went in settled into a sit, unsettled however, and jittery...I was overcome with absolute compassion toward my fellow ensemble. When they cried out, and CRIED OUT!!! I felt what they were feeling, and I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't allowed to do anything about it. But by making contact, I made it KNOWN that I cared so much....and they felt the same toward me. But I have to mention ONCE AGAIN!...that it was so terrible to see people in so much emotional turmoil..that even began to make me realize things I have ignored...and never settled with myself. Even in the audience, it hit home...and I felt a tumultous wave of passion and concern for each and every person...and I took in ALL their pain...all their self-hatred...internalized it within me and felt what they felt. That was the only way to understand. It was incredibly painful. Until, I moved to to seats facing away from the audience and the actors. The seats that you wait in before its your turn. Even behind the people on stage...there's a connection! And you I listened the most there, I listened to myself and I listened to the actors on stage. And even though I couldn't see their tears...it was just as overwhelming and I felt the same or more compassion than I felt before. Then...I moved once again, to the next level. This time. I was on stage. How difficult it was to even maintain my composure is indescribable. Before I reached the stage, as with everyone else, I was leaking...flowing with tears of fear. I couldn't even deeply breathe...I couldn't let out any type of relief. I was only able to find a semi, (but appropiate at the time) place where I could be neutral and content to move on to the next level. Next, I had to say my name. I had to own my name and be proud of my name. Brandon Luis Samuels. I said it, I embraced it, I fully without convictions owned it and accepted it. The next step was to share something on myself, a body part most specifically. But the part of me that was absolutely certain was my spirit. So, I revealed me spirit...through tears and sympathy, looking for someone to share my spirit with. Going in deeper with the process of revealing myself. I said soemthing that I wanted my audience to know about me. But, now thinking about it at home and after the exercise, I try not to have any regrets...although I will not own that I felt aftwerward that I should've said something else in addition that I wanted the audience to know about me instead of saying it at another time during the exercise. The whole category threw me off balance. But I think I feel closure with it now, and it was right at the time, even if I can't say why I said it. Sadly, I could discover why I said it then and before later on...but now, at that time...EVERYTHING was right, nothing was wrong...and there was a reason...no matter if I was able to identify why or not. Only I know why I said it, and that's what matter the most...ALWAYS. That I must own what I feel and say, or nobody can share that with you. Nonetheless, I said...when asked what I wanted the audience to know about me....was that...I would die for ANYBODY that I care about. Yes, at that moment...I shedded away all my selfish feelings (which are never bad), but I shedded the feeling that I would continue to live and allow in my heart, mind and soul...someone else to die. I meant what I said. No conviction. No matter how scared I am of death. I would die for those that I love. And what I forgot to say, but effectively communicated I believe...is that I love everyone in my ensemble...and I could die for each and every person in there. I owned it, I not only embraced it but I completely demonstrated it...and I shared with each person...the death in my heart. I showed them...WHERE I WOULD DIE! Still progressing...the next question was...the thing tha tI don't want people to know about me. What I said...was that I I wanted everyone to know that I hate myself because I am not perfect, that I hate myself because I am gay, and because I can't find anyone to love me. I do....I hate myself, actually...until then...I hateD myself for all that and more. I wasn't perfect, I was ashamed of what people would think of me because I was gay...I hated myself because I desperately needed someone to love me. Because I believed that I wasn't ALWAYS, no matter what...a beautiful child of god who holds the divine christ light within them. But I own that now...I no that I am that, and that I will NEVER ignore or suppress my beauty, on my exterior, and interior for now I will ALWAYS believe that I am Brandon..Divine, beautiful...and loved by so many that I can't even begin to realize how many. That's what I hold. But I owned that...and owning what I hated about myself was a release...I felt relieved. And there was still more, next I had to more or less choose two lines of text, and for most people it was relevant to what they felt, and it was from anything Shakespeare (which was oddly a tacitly established choice, or decision rahter). Granted I felt that I didn't know enough Shakespeare text, or remember enough....the most prominent lines of text stuck out in my head the most aside from the text I was studying for the actual play we're doing...and I believe that those words stuck out in my head for a defined, EXPLICIT purpose. It was as though I didn't retain any Shakespeare text I've learned because (in the nature of divine order), I knew that this day would come and I would need to speak text that I was emotionally connected with. Although feeling unsure, but soon enough owning and embracing my words, I said aloud, "Thou shalt not from this grave (but it really is supposed to be grove), till I torment thee for this injury." - Midsummer Night's Dream. That was the easiest (if you could call this experience anything easy) to say, but hardest to immediately own without conviction. To end my time on stage...I said my name again, I am Brandon Luis Samuels...and for the first time I knew who I was. I discovered where I was all this time, not inside of me, but with others. I love every person from my ensemble...there's a connection there that I cannot describe. Something that I know only I need to know, and only I can possibly share, but within the group. And...all the while, I squeezed an instructor's arm...holding on and owning my power...staying for support...for reassurement, in myself...and having another person letting me finally own myself, and on that note...*I take a sigh of relief* AHHHHHHHH... And then my tears become tears of joy, love, release, compassion, ENERGY...yes, even while I was in the audience I sent energy. I GAVE MYSELF, I GAVE WHAT I KNOW BEST TO GIVE...THAT IS...MY ENERGY. I discovered new things about the energy I possess. For me, that was a life changning experience. I went offstage and back into the audience...as a new person...and I left the old Brandon with the audience...in Studio C. I honestly did feel so compassionate toward my instructors though...I love them more than I can OWN even. I will forever be indebted to them. What I owe them is...is ME. And I promise that they will always have me. No matter what...I'm there. We left all went onstage and revealed our true colours to say...and I am proud of EVERYONE, of each and every person for showing me..and trusting me to help them share trust with them..share trust and love with them.
The day ended with games, and a "movement piece" of words or phrases that we heard ourselves and others say during the exercise. We took away fun, and embraced that...
"Our circle will remain unbroken until we are together again, Monday morning at 9:30 am."
(Read comments)
|
