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Lacy (coldsummerrain) wrote,
@ 2004-04-08 05:28:00
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    Current mood: depressed

    Random thoughs....
    Well let's see....for almost the last month I've been coming here to spill my thoughts for the world to view. No one has commented and probly not even read the thing. I don't really post necessarily for other people to read, most of it is just to get this shit off my chest, but it would make me happy if people did read it so that they could understand the REAL me and understand why I am who I am sometimes.

    Today wasn't one of the best days I've had lately. I went to Mongolian BBQ and to see Passion of Christ with Dave. He's just a friend but he does have a deep interest in me and when he told me he loved me ever so long ago I really feel that he meant it. It just kills me inside cuz I do love and care about him just as much, but in order for any type of relationship to occur between us, there has to be a sexual attraction for each other and although he might have that for me, I lack that for him. This is a perdicament I've been stuck in for a looooonnnggg time tho so onto the next one....

    Things with Brandon have kinda gone to the wayside....he constantly says things to me that just make me wonder why he even talks to me. I understand the whole situation, but that doesn't help the fact that I care about him and want to be something more then I am to him then I already am. He says that the reasons he doesn't call sometimes is because he knows that all of it pulls me in more, but that damage is already done, and it's both of our faults. I don't think that things are going to work out for him the way that he wants them to, and by all means, I want them to because he deserves to be happy, but at the same time I almost wish that I could be the person that he comes to when they don't....but that would be wishing that things don't work out for him, so I really don't know how to feel about all of it. I just can't help the fact that I feel like I go thru the motions of life, but there's no weight to it...there's no meaning...I feel empty....

    Being committed to someone and having something good with someone is something I've wanted all my life. It's like something I CRAVE, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've never really had that home lifestyle in my life. I wanna be happily married with kids and the whole nine, and I think that if I found someone who was rich and I was attracted to, that would be the only way I could do that right now....and now is when I want all of that. If I could not have to worry about going to school and just sit at home and be a stay at home mom without a worry in the world I would love it....but I know that's a factual event....or is it? I know I'm don't have to post and tell me that, I already know.

    I guess finding the person who can fill all the positions you crave in your lifestyle is hard, because if he was standing on every street corner, what would there be left to fill? Right? Im just thinking about all the times I put up with a guy's BS because I was scared that I would lose him, when that whole time fate was trying to tell me that he wasn't the one to fill my positions. Maybe I should start listening to that little thing called fate, I think he knows something about everything. It's hard to listen to fate when you're hearts in it for the long haul though. That IS something I've learned about myself and that's that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall fast and hard and I'm prone to heartbreak....I guess that all goes back to the fact that I crave that family stuff, you know, marriage and kids.

    The other day Pearl and I were having a conversation and I was trying to explain to her that her idea of the "ideal man" was totally different then any guy I would ever date. She's a beautiful girl and her ideal man is someone who is of good looks...while mine is someone who will treat me good.....which yea sometimes that rakes in faces that only a mother could love, but in my eyes, it's not face value that's valued greater. I told her that I would never date anyone that she could look at and be like "damn, he's hott" cuz in all honesty, that wasn't even something that I really evaluate. You would think with values such as these...I could find ONE guy that would love me for me, and be there for me, and appreciate me and my concern.....but none yet...hopefully one to come.....

    I'll post more later....I've ran outta time and I need to get some sleep....leave comments if you feel the need.

    <33 Lacy

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