What can a fool do about it? As my old Chinese teacher usta say, “be as the duck in water, and let it run off your ass as you stay afloat” Ok.. so I was never told that by an old Chinese teacher.. it just sounded funny in my head. Damn… seems a lot of stuff that sounds funny in my head really isn’t…. I’ve been realizing that my friends are laughing at me, not with me. Ah hell… I don’t’ care as long as they are laughing.
Some one responded to me here and said “Smiles rock” (if you are reading this you rock for thinking that!) Well laughing rocks more….
Laughing is a powerful thing. I’m not talking about the school boy giggle after he saw his class mates skirt blow up… I’m talking about the just peed yourself, busted a gut, made you snort kinda laugh. It’s powerful because in a lot of ways it’s like crying… you get that much needed pent up release.. much like an orgasm that you had to work for-for like an hour. It feels good to cry.. yea, I’m a guy who cries, I admit it. Shoot, but a Disney movie on around me and you’ll see water falls. Don’t think I’m some kinda pansy though, that’d be your 1st mistake cause I’ll throw a beating just as easily as I cry. Who would thought… a thug with a romantic soft side. Shit. I’m a walking oxymoron (the 1st one of you that tells me to drop the ‘oxy’ off that gets it damn it!) What the freak was I talking about? Damn it.. to much coffee and diet meds makes me one squirly individual…. And no.. I’m not lookin for a nut. Crying… that was the subject.. so yea.. I’m learning if you try to keep it down inside you will eventually burst. To have a melt down of that magnitude.. well…. If I was San Francisco, and the melt down was a quake… there’d be no freaking city left. What am I trying to say here… let me think… Ok: Just let it out, don’t fight it… go with it.
Where the hell all that came from I haven’t a clue… but then some wold argue IO don’t have a clue any way so it’s nothing new. Hey, the best defense is to underestimate, but then it’s true to be told the worst offence is to overestimate yourself. Humm… need to think on that. Any how…
After drowning myself in the better half of a bottle of Southern Comfort last night I have what alcoholics call a moment of clarity. The room stopped spinning, My thoughts were crystal and for a brief moment I was able to reflect on some much needed profound thoughts:
Right now I’m dealing with being rejected. It hurts. It hurts A LOT. Hurts not just emotionally, but my pride. I have never once been rejected by a lady who had caught my interest. I’m not bragging or being conceded, just offering background. So when this happened it killed my self-esteem and I spun into self pity. My confidence had dropped and depression had seeped in. and last night I had a that thought while thinking of this… “What the hell is wrong with me? I am me, I have endured worse against me, and I have caused much more to others. I have let this come close to break me… and I never break myself.”
So wha-la I’m fixed. After all if some one doesn’t like you why would you want to be with them. I’m stressing over this? Over one girl who I saw for like 2.3 seconds when there are literally a few who have/are chasing me. I guess I’m too picky though… because of the few who want me I’m not really feeling the same in return. The game plan… get a second job…Make that money boy.. stack that cash and get my “Lexus is300” and then buy my home. Yea… that’ll be it for me. New rule. I’ll date, but no commitments for awhile. It’s me time baby.. look out world, Aus is back!
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